Spiritual Freedom

Yes, it's been a long time.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 02:21:33 GMT

I am going to post my response to an email from 2005, although even the email response was four years late. I simply needed something to help me write, and to have something to show my best friend, whether she has the time soon or not. While writing journal entries has otherwise proven too difficult of a task, surveys are great for me because they provide me with specific questions, where I can be as flexible as I want with my answers. I can be as detailed, brief, serious, or silly as I want to be. But no matter how I do this, hopefully somebody can learn something about me.

Lately, there has been much chaos in my life, mostly concerning emotions, and I obviously haven't been able to write about this. It is too difficult to take the time to try and explain an endless bombardment of emotions or events, especially the events that have occurred in the past five months or so. This year has already been very long for me, although the last month was also extremely boring and uninspiring. Maybe sometime later I will summarize some things that have happened since I last wrote, or at least make another long survey of my own so that this blog is not neglected. Just don't expect too much from me, as I simply want to do things that let me feel free from stress, and hopefully much happier than I have been. If writing in a journal helps me with this, and if I have time and feel able, then I will be updating here again soon.

Anyway, here is the email response to my best friend Enel, since she happened to send me this survey December of 2005. They are my answers to the survey, so that I have something interesting to throw into this blog today.

1. What is your Full Name?
It depends on which name you are asking for. The name my parents gave me is evil to me, so I don't want to have to think about it anymore. My spirit name, on the other hand, which is the name I am called by those who really care and respect me, is Taelle Oreseth.

2. What color jeans are you wearing right now?
I'm not wearing pants.
     ...
    LOL
Don't worry, I've got yellow underwear.

3. What are you listening to right now:
A song from Mario64, because Dethy is playing videogame music in winamp. I'm also hearing Dethy eat. e_e

4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number:
00. Isn't that unique?

5. What was the last thing you ate?
Uhh... A vanilla wafer? Actually, it tastes more like lemon flavor than vanilla to me. I haven't had a meal today, and I don't know if I'll feel like having one.

7. How is the weather right now:
    I don't really know, because there is a huge tree always blocking our window. And I don't usually care to pay attention to the weather lately, unless it happens to be significantly affecting the temperature in here.
    What I do know, is that this survey is missing question number 6.

8. Last person you talked to on the phone?
I guess my mom. And not for long, because she's always more interested in someone else calling her, something on the internet, something on TV, her dog barking, or just anything that doesn't have to do with me.

9. First thing you notice about the opposite sex:
...That they are male. What am I supposed to say?

10. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
    Link: How about a kiss?
    Ganon: NOOOOoOOOoOOOoOOOoOOOoOOO
Lol. I'm just being silly. Of course, I love her. In fact she's higher priority to me than my biological family, since she is more family to me than they are. I love my family but they don't respect me or treat me like family should. Anyone who actually knows me already knows this.

11. How are you today:
I don't know, I have a mix of emotions because I have been stressed lately. I am very tired, but also looking forward to spending real time with my best friend when her schooling is over, and helping her to have more freedom.

12. Favorite Drink?
I don't know if I have a favorite drink. I really do love Monster Energy M80 (the yellow one with 80% juice), but I can't have it very often, mainly because it's too expensive. Besides, I don't want to become dependent on any kind of substance, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, or any other chemicals. Caffeine is not healthy either, even though the M80 Monster drink is a lot healthier than other Energy drinks are.

13. Favorite Alcoholic drink:
I never get to drink, so wouldn't know. But, the most delicious tasting alcoholic drinks I ever had were home-made by my sister Jenn. That's why I think she could make a kick-ass bartender. (I have fun memories from us inventing the "red lemons" drink".)

14. Favorite Sports:
Sex?
Lmao. That's not a sport... Is it?
I just don't like sports.

15. What's your hair Color:
Right now? Or the one I was born with? Or is it something else? Well, right now, I'm not sure. It's an odd brown color these days.

16. Eye Color:
Dark brown from far away. But if you look close enough, they actually really look green and yellow.

17. Do you wear contacts?
Nope. I have before, but only for fun, because my vision is supposedly "perfect". During my years in High School, on Halloween, I would wear only a single Honey-Brown colored contact, which my sister Lisa lent me. That way, I had one light brown eye, and one dark brown eye. Then people would trip out over my bi-colored eyes, wondering if they had always been that way. Lol.

18. Siblings:
I have three older sisters, two of which are fraternal twins. Right now Lisa is 30, and I think that Jenn and Victoria are 33. I happen to be 22, so yeah, there's a gap there.
Oh no, we're getting old!

19. Favorite Month?
    I don't supposed I've ever had a favorite month, aside from December being the best month for me when I was a kid. Of course that was solely because of how awesome Christmas break used to be, being able to see my dad and my sisters, and celebrating two Christmases due to my parents being separated. Anyway, these days, I have no idea what my favorite month is, because Christmas has pretty much died in my life, and I don't know how to revive it.
    January through April would be my favorite part of the year if I were actually able to celebrate birthdays...

20. Favorite Food?
I don't have a favorite food either, mainly because the only foods that are available for me to eat, are all things that make me sick or give my body a lot of trouble in some way. I do miss having great food (the non-spicy versions) such as Cornbread, Mashed Potatoes, Italian Cheese Bread, and the Apple Burritos that don't exist anymore.

21. Last Movie you watched:
That's a tough one, since it's been a long while. I think Wayne's World?

22. Favorite Day of the Year:
    Favorite Day? Damn, I don't know. Any day where I get to spend plenty of time with my best friend, and lover, doing something fun, like role-playing... then if I could end the day with great sex, good sleep and creative lucid dreams, that'd make it perfect... e-e Then again, that's more a description of a perfect day I really wish I could have, rather than a Favorite Day of the Year. So I don't have a Favorite Day of the Year, because every day is different, though most of my days seem so boring or depressing.
    (Yeah, I am a "nymphomaniac" and love sex, but it's not my life. I just keep mentioning it because I don't get to express my sexuality like I need to, which tends to make me sad as well as emotionally unstable.)

23. Are you too shy to ask someone out:
It depends on what you mean by "asking someone out". I have never gone dating and I never will, at least in the stereotypical sense of the word "dating", which I think is stupid. On the other hand, if you meant that as in simply asking to go somewhere with someone, then I would go ahead and do it, because my "shyness" is not going to stop me from doing something that I really want... At least not anymore. I'm a woman, not a girl.

24. Which one Summer or Winter:
I like Summer nights, as long as they aren't hot, and especially if they are both warm and rainy. Otherwise, extreme temperatures in general simply bother me too much.

25. Hugs or Kisses?
Depends on who is doing it, and why.

26. Chocolate or Vanilla:
I would have to say both at the same time. I don't like Chocolate much, especially by itself, which is something I won't eat unless my low blood-sugar is screaming at me. The rest of my crazy woman family on the other hand, loves chocolate. I would rather just have Vanilla ice cream with Mint flavor, and Cookie Dough, because I think that is the greatest.

27. Do you want your friends to write back:
    I'm only sending this to Enel and Dethy. Yes, it would be great to hear any response, especially from Enel, though I don't have expectations either way.
    Everyone else I know is too busy and/or doesn't care enough to keep in touch with me.

28. Who is most likely to respond to e-mails:
Well, like I said, I'm only sending this to Enel and Dethy. If you mean to emails in general, then nobody will respond to my emails anyway, because those emails don't exist. I don't write to anybody, because I have nobody to write to, or else wouldn't want to, unless it's Enel. And I could just talk to Dethy on a messenger or in person. So pleh.

29: Who is least likely to respond to e-mails:
Anyone who isn't Enelevrinn Michelle Romisius.

30. Living Arrangements:
My living arrangements have been the same for two years or so, in this small apartment with my lover, in a city that I have come to hate, which is in a state that I really only like because of the climate, and because Enel lives here. Hopefully, though, Enel will be living with me soon, which gives me the motivation to live and to do things again. That's because this is something I have wanted for many years. Enel gives me energy, and that's something that no one else can do (except for Monster Energy, which isn't a person).

31. What books are you reading:
Right this second I am reading this survey. I haven't exactly kept up on reading ever since Dethy moved in with me. This is for several reasons, although I have been wanting to read Animorphs books again. I guess I have (half-assedly) started to read Animorphs perhaps twice this year, but didn't even get through half a book. Unfortunately that's it.

32. What's on your mouse pad:
    This cheap one I have been using is red and says "Office DEPOT" in white text.
    The last time Enel was here, she gave me a new one with a wolf on it. Yay!

33. Favorite Board Game:
Board game? I dunno. One that doesn't exist? Otherwise I like my version of Sorry, because it's more interesting and like a strategy game which uses dice as well as cards. But I like video-games and computer games better.

34. What did you do last night:
It's a little hard to remember everything since I've been so tired lately. Yesterday I was just involved in fixing things up and trying to make plans for new living arrangements. Basically what I did was clean and rearrange the house, mostly the Master Bedroom. Then at maybe one in the morning I went to bed.

35. Favorite Smells:
Um? It's been so long since I smelled something very good, I don't remember what smells I like. o-o; Lately I really only ever get to experience smells that are not nice, such as spicy foods, overwhelming chemical smells and stuffy air. Oh well... I guess when the weather gets warmer, I'll get to smell fresh air again.

37. What inspires you?
    Being with my best friend, having dreams to live in, and good memories. Reading, day-dreaming, and role-playing can also be inspiring. My characters and other story stuff are the closest thing I have to feeling like I'm at home in this life, so of course that's important and inspiring to me.
    By the way, what happened to number 36 and 38?

39. Favorite Flower:
    I don't know many Earthly flowers at all, or at least their names. I just know that they're fun to look at and smell. And since I'm weird, having flowers around would just make me want to touch and play with them, which would probably end up killing them.
    My favorite flower would be one that doesn't exist in this dimension. It's one that is very huge, very red, very pretty, and very delicious to eat. NOM NOM.

40. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
If I happen to remember my dream, I'll think about that for a while. After that, my brain usually snaps right back to whatever I was thinking about before I went to bed, so that I can continue with my life. And that is how my life goes on... The end?

I am not happy.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 03:08:04 GMT

Well at least I started with honest title today.

But even the simplest statement can be interpreted in so many ways, and therefore misinterpreted.

This is not something I am saying because I am choosing to mope about, or even to say "poor me", nor am I keeping myself from being happy or choosing to be unhappy, since I love myself enough to know and feel that I deserve happiness. This is not something I want pity or sympathy for. It is not something that anyone should be made to feel guilty or otherwise bad about, either. It is a simple statement of truth about how my feelings are, and such feelings are not my choice. My only choice in it is what I do with the feelings, the actions that I take in dealing with them, and the way that I treat others, including myself. My feelings are something that I need understanding for, rather than usual judgments from family and others... especially inappropriate assumptions about who I am or what is going on in my life. If no one else, though, I simply need this understanding from my twin flame, so that I don't have to feel completely alone in the world.

Saying something honestly and objectively is not something that should generate any kind of judgmental reaction from people, nor should it cause a reaction that reflects any aspects of unlove whatsoever. Unfortunately, many people tend to react in such a way to any genuine emotions, especially the negative ones. Of course this is often because they can't even understand or deal with their own emotions in the first place. But the simplest fact, is that I need love, empathy and understanding, just like anyone needs and deserves. People should live in love and spread love, not pain. Love is the solution and healer of things. And, I think another important point I wanted humans to realize, is that, feeling pain and spreading pain are two different things, even though humans may often tend to do both at the same time simply because they don't know how else to handle it.

With that said, I still don't know how exactly I am supposed to explain the "why". Why am I not happy? Of course there are reasons. And there are reasons that are too complicated convey. But reasons for feelings shouldn't always have to be explained... It just is. Emotions are the way they are, and I am a sensitive soul. And feelings just need to be shown love as well, no matter what they are.

But just because I have learned to love myself, and that my twin flame is here living with me, it doesn't mean that everything is okay, or that the hardest is over. And things are hard.

Currently I am also suffering from an unpleasant infection that I assume to be the same virus I had much earlier this year, or else something similar... Either way it's been going on for a couple weeks or so... making it very painful to talk, smile or even move my mouth, so of course it's been difficult to eat too. And that's pretty sad, especially considering that I already have a ton of problems with eating at it is.

Speaking of eating, yeah, yesterday was Thanksgiving, although I can't say I had anything to eat that I wanted, or much of anything to eat in the first place. But the important thing is that I got some nice time with my best friend. I would write about what happened yesterday, but now I don't really feel like it anyway.... I do not feel like writing is working at the moment either. Yesterday is then and today is now. And right now I just want to be healthier, and to be able to do things without feeling physically or emotionally miserable. And feeling fairly miserable lately, I don't feel like I can write, or do much of anything. Until I get over this virus, or whatever it is, I don't think I'm going to be feeling particularly great either. Everything is too painful, physically and emotionally.

Maybe someday I will be able to write about what is really going on. And what would make me happy...

I need my dream to live in.

When is it over?

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 02:33:49 GMT

It definitely looks like the worst is NOT over, nor can I have any way of knowing when it will be. And until then I am left waiting, feeling alone and hopeless. Note that most things I say in this entry are probably just emotion and not logical, and may not necessarily be long-term, because I am being utterly overwhelmed by emotions right now. But I would never be able to turn off my sensitivities no matter how much I want to. So right now, feeling IS fact for me. There is no getting around this.

I still don't write in my blog as I keep saying I will or should, because I don't know how to explain anything I am feeling or going through. I especially don't know how I'm supposed to do that when it's something that is utterly miserable. And even if I could explain it with words, I don't feel that anyone could possibly begin to understand it, or even want to hear it either. I'm only here now because I feel so depressed and alone, that I can't just let it build up without some kind of venting, other than the crying I have to do as usual. Also if I can't feel loved or get real help somehow then it can only get worse. And then it just feels like anything good that I've ever felt or done, has been ruined.

It seems like I'm left to mourn the past forever, even though there's not a lot there that's worth looking at. Unfortunately it still looks a lot happier to me than the way I've been feeling these past two years. I can't go back, but I can't have my dreams of a better future anymore either, because this is life and reality has smashed down my dreams. But that doesn't mean I accept it, and that is why I seem to be stuck. I can't have the things I want, but I can't accept the horrible misery of reality either. The things I want most of all especailly, just can't happen, at least not in the physical world. In my life particularly happiness just seems like an unnattainable thing, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself be happy, and I can't pretend that I am.

I didn't come to this life for my own enjoyment either. But with that knowledge I just don't feel like I have the strength to live or see how I'm supposed to accomplish what I set out to do. I'm an old soul and could be in spiritual retirement right now, I'm too worn out for this, yet here I am, so I've only been doing my best, while waiting for my life to improve, because it's all I can do. I can't do anything about it, I've only been waiting for my situation to somehow get better even though it only seems to go backwards sometimes. And I can only hope to god that my dreams aren't just completely out of reach. I have to have some tiny amount of hope to cling to at least, but at times like now it feels impossible. Anything that ever made me feel any happiness is just in the past and only that. All I'm left with now is pain or numbness. That is why I am mourning the past forever.

Once my heart found joy in a dream of romance. That dream was broken by harsh reality and changes suddenly forcing things ahead. But I cannot be truly happy without that dream to live in. My heart breaks and I do not know what will happen.

Romance is not one-sided, so I cannot have it if my twin flame is not ready to have it either or does not understand what I need.

This is too much for me. I can't even take care of myself with all of my overwhelming sensitivities, but I have to... and alone.... but there's no way I can handle the energies of being around someone else, or dealing with feeling what they feel, even if it's something trivial. If I had to be born an empath, why couldn't my lover be one? Or at least could I just please be a Carpathian? At least that way I wouldn't be alone...

Love is there but happiness is nowhere.

..If we weren't ready to be in a twin flame relationship then we wouldn't have met.... But how much longer do I have to wait like this? I can't just wait as it feels like everything is getting worse... I feel miserable and alone, and I have no power over my situation..... It makes me want to rip my own heart out, since I already feel like I'm being sacraficed. I can't feel loved this way either.... I only feel like a burden and that anything I say or do will just make everyone else miserable too. So I have to be alone in suffering.

I am only trying to be honest. I do not know what else I can say or what I could possibly ask of anyone, or how to make anyone understand my feelings, or even any aspect of me. I only wish I weren't alive right now because I hurt too much. I feel utterly alone, more alone than anyone knows.

All I can do is wait.

~My heart cries for Ravendeth~

I don't have much to say today. I really mean it this time.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 15:13:39 GMT

I have weird dreams but that's nothing new.

It seems that the weather absolutely can't make up its mind. It doesn't know whether it wants it to be summertime or wintertime.

I am missing some awesome kitties right now. Kitties like Butler and Squeaky. I don't know whether Butler's ever coming back to this life and I don't know whether I'll ever be able to take care of Squeaky again either. But I really love them.

I'm going to be receiving Suplemental Security Income really soon, which despite being hardly anything, will still be much more than we've had. It'll be more stable and consistent at least. What I really want though, is a place that feels like home.

I'm exhausted. But I got myself to tidy up the place at least. I don't know what now. I just want to relax. I want to do something creative every once in a while, and to play ragnarok with my lover when he's up to it. Ragnarok is awesome because it's a great game that you can play with others. I don't have much that I can do with friends, or many friends to do stuff with. I just hope that someday I can get more of us playing Ragnarok together to have some fun.

I also hope that I can have the holidays to celebrate again. The thing that makes a holiday good, is if you can celebrate it with the people who love you and can show that they do. Otherwise it doesn't even feel like a holiday at all. And it's not about gifts. Besides, the best gift you can give someone, is yourself. To give them the time to show them you really care.

Everyone needs and deserves love. Love is the one thing that makes life worth living. I'm alive because I wanted to help people remember that. And to remember what love really means. My kitty baby Flickerwind is a great example of love... She's cuddling with me right now, as she usually always is. We both love each other no matter what. Of course myself and my lover are the very same way. Real love is always unconditional. As it should be.

Anyways, that's all I have to say right now. I'm going to spend time with my lover.

Awoo?

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:03:28 GMT

Hi. This is wolfie Taelle giving herself to her blog tonight.

I'm doing better today, though I may still be physically sick for a while. My body's also been giving me some trouble, with my ribs hurting, and just being sore in general... It makes it hard to lay down comfortably or to sleep like I usually do. But I'm fine otherwise. I just need to take care of myself as best I can.

And I've got a cute Flickerwind on me.

Well I was thinking. I like Dethy's blog layout, and I've always liked the way the fonts are set up on there. I wish I knew how to get blogdrive to show my text in a slightly larger size that way, rather than, what, maybe 3 times bigger or more. I don't know if it's a bother to anyone else, but I've noticed how straining it can be on the eyes to read my blog... Maybe it's just me and my eyes freaking out lately, maybe it's the colors, maybe it's just because the screen I have now has a gigantic resolution, or maybe it's a strange combination of all of the above. Anyway, I want to know if anyone thinks I need to change my font sizes, or if they're already fine. I think I would like something more like Dethy's, if that were even possible. I just have no idea how to get it to look like that, or anything better than this.

So umm... Yesterday (also known as earlier today, and last night) was really just spent playing the Wii. Or at least, I watched the Dethy play Twilight Princess for the first time. We don't own it or anything, it's borrowed from my best friend. The thing is, we were supposed to be getting Twilight Princess for the gamecube for ourselves, as a gift from one of Dethy's friends, about a year ago... but obviously somethingridiculous happened so that it never got delivered to us... and that was literally last Christmas, that we were supposed to get it in the mail. So, we still have no idea if we're ever going to get our own copy of that game. It would be great if we do, but who knows. All I know is that I'm probably going to end up watching Dethy play through the Wii version, and that if I get the chance to, I will then be playing the gamecube version myself, and searching for differences. Lol.

But yes. After blogging and stuff yesterday, Dethy played the game for like 14 hours, and that was it... Lol.... It was amusing, even though I was too weirded out by the whole thing at first. I guess I'm still weirded out by the game anyway, mainly because it's something of a crazy version of the 64 Zelda games, and just nonsense, with Link being so weird looking and more of a dork than ever. But whatever. If a game looks like it had real time, thought and effort put into it, then I can respect it for that. As critical as I can be about everything, that doesn't mean it's a bad game, it just means that I would have done things differently. Besides... WOLVES KICK ASS! In fact they kick so much ass that perhaps even a videogame can't do them justice. Oh well, it's okay, lol.

I guess in this insstance that means I'm like the Anti-Link. Because, well firstly, of course I'm a female... but second... I was previously a wolf, and now after coming from "another realm" to help this messed up world I'm just kind of stuck being in a human body. See any similarities? Ahwell. Here I am. Awooo!

It was pretty fun watching just because we got to laugh at a lot of stuff and make obscure jokes and references together, mostly to do with other Zelda games. That's always fun. We also noticed it's the only Zelda game that initially puts the name "Link" in the blanks where you get to choos his name... And also get to name Epona, lol! Anyways Link is now Dethy, and Epona is Taelle... So that we can laugh whenever something is said about Epona, since she's me. Epona is also a crazy warhorse who's been fed far too many steroids. Not to mention that she moves so unrealistically as well. And I've been around horses and been horse-back riding long enough to know. Lol oh well. Dethy has a mutated horse on steroids with my name.

Anyways rather than going on about the Zelda Twilight Princess game all night and what a silly time we had yesterday, I just want to say, that anybody who's played this game without playing other Zelda games (especially the 64 games that it is extremely similar to), is really missing out on some fun and getting to know some Zelda history... and therefore also missing out on a lot of references and things in the new game that were taken from the older games as well. Kinda like how Kirby64 was a horrible rip-off of Kirby's Dreamland 3 for the SNES, or Yoshi's Story was a rip-off of Yoshi's Island.... Except for the fact that Twilight Princess isn't bad or anywhere near that horrible..... It's still just kind of the same idea, because people will be introduced into the new generation of games and never look back, and therefore miss out on some important information. New fans just need to learn something about what they're claiming to be fans for, is all I'm saying, because otherwise they can't call themselves fans. I am mainly saying this because of my own personal problem with the sudden explosion of new Kirby fans, only evident in more recent years. And I'll explain.

This sudden appearance of so-called Kirby fans has really been pissing me off, first of all simply because, most of the time, these people know nothing about the "oldschool" Kirby games at all, or sometimes even know nothing about the games altogether, thanks to the TV show and it being horribly confused with the games and the real Kirby. The Kirby from the TV show is an utterly different Kirby, from a whole other reality. I could pick out too many reasons why, but I'm not going to do that right now. I simply want to say that I have been playing Kirby games since I was four years old, and have been an entirely devoted fan to Kirby since then. And this is the real Kirby, mind you, not the imposter that many have come to worship. Since I am not a newcomer or imposter to the gaming world, I think I have a lot of reasons to be angry. But anyone should be upset about the general media's downhill spiral, over the past eight or so years. Maybe it is the staff at Disney whom I should thank for making people get used to horrible media first, which by the way, they did so by very lazily throwing together sequels and bad movies in an attempt to whore some more money out of something that was originally good. I think the same thing can be said about most things these days though, videogames and movies alike.

Anyway, about the whole Kirby thing.
I think what my lover wrote about it sums it up pretty well.
At least I thought it was great...
You can read it here at http://rainbowsword.livejournal.com/

You can also check out the Kirby icons I made for his account at
http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=rainbowsword

Likewise, my account and pictures for Ado are at
http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=magical_arts

I should definitely post that introduction to Kirby somewhere else soon, in case something should ever happen to these pages... and which will probably happen just because we aren't using these accounts anymore. Obviously this stuff at livejournal was initially intended for a roleplay community called Smash Dressing. But the general ignorance and horrifying inconsistency of this community is also why we resigned too soon afterward. I have many reasons for being upset this community, but I will just be very brief. Some rules that they had were unnecessary and stupid in the first place, but what was far more upsetting was the extremely hypocritical use of these rules. This became intolerable, so we left... Not to mention the fact that it is much more worthwhile for my lover and I to do role-plays together alone, on our own time, without other people ruining it for us.... We shouldn't have to be busy stressing about people being insensitive assholes or completely stupid when we're simply trying to do something that's supposed to be fun!

The popularity of Smash Bros, and Smash Bros Melee, seems to me to be the main cause of Kirby's sudden discovery and new-found popularity, for which I cannot be mad at them because Kirby deserves popularity, and it isn't their fault that people don't use their brains... Kirby deserved in appearance in Smash Bros every bit as much as anyone. (Kirby64 on the other hand is a crappy game that I can be extremely angry at with reason.) It is only the seeming sudden appearance of these Kirby fans and their ignorance of him that I do not like. Up until lately I had never met any other Kirby fans aside from my Dethy. But I would much prefer the absence of Kirby fans rather than what I have been seeing lately... Idiotic fans of a confused alternate-reality Kirby that has disgraced the very name of the mighty pink one. People have been unnecessarily rude and ignorant in this subject, and this is why I am being a complete nerd right now.

Don't think that there isn't a lesson in this picketing either, because there really is. And it only ever comes back down to the same things I have always been saying, the same lessons that humanity needs to learn in order to have any real progress, success or happiness in life. Not to mention that "learning" has become an absent concept in this place that they happen to call America...

As I cannot stress enough, Love is, and has always been, the most powerful and most importance force there is. Everyone needs love and is deserving of love, unconditionally, and needs it from themselves as well as others. But even with that, if people are refusing to utilize thinking and learning as well, then we can go nowhere. Without rationality, balanced with spirituality, this world can only continue to be a total mess of insensitivity and jack-assery. Yes, jack-assery. This world is illogical and unspiritual, which means that we have failed to learn the most important lessons of all. To learn, and to love. This means that THINKING should be utilized every bit as much as sensitivity. Recent media is not utilizing either of these things, and it is definitely not encouraging them either.

Please dear god let people use their minds every once in a while... though perhaps in America that would be far too much to ask, at least anytime soon. So I have to deal with this reality. But I also know that I am not alone in suh a depressing place. And of course I've always known that I was here because I wanted to help to change things for the better. All I can do is try... That's all anyone can ever do. And I will do my best, to spread love, to spread knowledge and wisdom. First and foremost, people need true motivation, interest and willingness in order to learn things. And I really don't think that current American media is going to be doing that for anyone. Even schools don't do that... I don't think anything is, with the way our society is at present.

I'm sure there are many various ways to get people's brains functioning again... to get them to learn things, to think about things from different viewpoints, to have a sense of creativity and mental freeedom again. One's thinking should never be limited, let alone be trapped in a suffocating prison where they are expected to be unquestioning, unthinking work slaves and drones who now feel no self worth. These people cannot find unconditional love from themselves or others, and are now trapped in this miserable cycle that is life. Ego has replaced love and it has encouraged everything that we don't need, including fear, hate, and ignorance. Therefore, ill-logic, and stupidity. Once again, it all goes back to the same thing. It is the core of every single problem we have inadvertantly created. Lack of love, also known as true spirituality and sensitivity, has created a world of hell. I'm here to help, though... because I've learned these things that the rest of humanity seems to be procrastinating at admitting... and I'm back to share these lessons with anyone who is willing to listen.

Obviously, I want to help provoke people's minds, to learn, to think differently, to see and understand differences, as well as other viewpoints, whether they can agree with them or not. Because people need to look at things with a broader scope of view, rather than simply what they have known for their own personal lives and a typical boxed-in approach to thinking. Of course, this cannot be accomplished without cooperation, because no one can be helped or even learn anything, unless they actually want to. This is what my storyworld is for. Correction... It's what my story-universe is for. I would hope that my stories could inspire people every bit as much as proke creativity, thought and learning for them.

Well that was a bit of a rant, wasn't it? And a much longer entry than I thought it would be. I can't be sure if all of my sentences have been making sense because they might just be mixing together at this point, and I need to resist re-reading it, picking it apart and editing it with my perfectionistic habits. What matters to me is being understood, though, and that's the main reason I worry about errors and things. I also don't want to bother anyone with seemingly superficial subjects, such as videogames, but I also can't deny myself the freedom and enjoyment of writing about anything and everything that I want to. So I am. And I will continue to do so in the future. And I also know that there is nothing wrong with having obsessions with silly forms of entertainment, whether they're videogames or anything else... because these things are simply much-needed forms of escapism. Everyone needs a balance of escapism and reality to survive in life, no matter what their own personal tastes are.

Remind me to mention the sillyness of Kirby changing colors over the years. And Kibi. Lol.

I've been writing kind of a lot lately I guess... which is good. I need to do this more often, when it's in a way that does not feel like I am simply exhausting myself or straining to get a few words down. It seems to be working well tonight anyway, so I can be glad for that. But for right now, I think I have finally come to that end wall... The wall where words just seem to stop flowing. And I wouldn't want to ruin anything by trying to break through that wall, and therefore likely ruining the rest of this entry. But thanks to anyone for actually taking the time to read my rantings, and even more thanks if you can do so without mental blockages keeping you from processing and analyzing it objectively... as should be done for effective thinking and learning. Thanks again for being here.

P.S.: Yes, my name is on my site now! That doesn't worry me at all anymore. The only thing I care about, is that I keep my family from meddling in this blog or anything else that's personal, until they are mature enough for it. This isn't because I have something to hide, from them or anyone else... but rather, because my family should not be delving into my personal life if they can only do so with narrow minds, and abusive tactics. No one deserves abuse under any circumstance, and so I cannot accept abuse either, nor allow any continuance of unnecessary complications and blockages in my life's purpose. I deserve to be myself and to be happy. Henceforth, let it be known that I am The Taelle!

I am an old soul, an indigo-crystal soul hybrid and a wolf-incarnate, as well as many other things. I can be true to myself now. Because I love myself!

And I love you.

Awoo.

It's cold...

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 03:53:50 GMT

I sort of just woke up, so I really don't know how I feel right now. I couldn't write here earlier today because... Well... I had nothing to say before going to sleep. Too tired and too little actively happening. It still kind of feels that way. I've chatted with my niece a little bit, and messed around trying to work on my dice rollers, but otherwise it's been... uneventful. Dethy's mom calls like eight times a day or more but that's nothing new. My mom's been calling me cause I think she's having television withdrawals. And she's giving me conflicting messages as usual, since one minute she acts like she wants to talk to me, and the next minute she's back to hanging up on me like she always ends up doing. She did happen to mention that she was in the hospital for a couple days, because she thought she was having a heart attack... she found out she had a hole in her lung, letting air out where it shouldn't be, causing the pain in her chest. She wouldn't tell me anything else about the situation, but it's not as much of a shock as you would think, as she's been having lung surgeries since long before I was born. In fact she just so happened to find out she was pregnant with me after going in for a follow-up lung surgery, and of course she thought that the doctor was playing a joke on her.

Well here I am. I'm not happy, but I'm not really miserable either. Mostly I'm tired, and cold... and rather scared. If you must ask why, I can only say that the 12-month Tarot spread is still troubling me, even though it was done back in March. It's hard to understand any kind of reading about the future unless you have a genuine psychic available, and even more intimidating when it sounds as though it's only painting a picture of bad news. But I also need to remind myself that readings, whether from oracle cards or Tarot cards or a board or just whatever, are really only there to tell you what you need to hear, and not necessarily foretell the future, although Tarot cards do have a tendency to be good at that. But, in something as complicated as attempting to tell one's future, in finding out information about future situations or certain events it becomes too easy for us to interfere with these things ever even happening. Dealing with readings, especially about the future, are a complicated thing, and at times too hard to interpret, and even mind boggling. For one little example... had me and Dethy ever finished writing an assessment about a reading concerning the events of earlier this year, before they actually happened, then they probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, and then the reading would have been wrong... It was strange to think about this after we finally went back to it, and discovered how accurate it was.

I suppose there's a hidden reason for the Tarot cards to be telling me the things that they are for this year. And I bet that my lover's interpretations of them would probably be even different still, so it would be possible for it to give us both very different messages. So I don't know what to think. All I can do is try my best to keep pushing things along, to keep improving myself and my situation as much as I can, and know that whatever's supposed to happen will happen, without my having to stress about it. I can only choose my own actions, and to just try my best.

I do have one more unhappy note, though... I happened to just found out my dad might have prostate cancer. So.... Neither of my parents seem to be doing well this year. Life's been crazy and it never seems to want to stop. Whatever happens though I guess was meant to happen, I'll just pray for the best for them and know that everything will be okay in the end. I love both my parents dearly. Still, as it's my mother who can't seem to have a decent relationship with me, I would just hope that my dad will be able stay around for a while to keep in touch with me...

It started snowing sometime yesterday, and has been snowing today as well... Obviously too early in the year, thanks to global warming making the weather increasingly confused over the past several years... But I guess this means winter is here whether we like it or not and we'll just have to deal with it accordingly. Yes, it's freezing in the home and we don't have a good heating system. So here I am bundled up in warm clothing, indoors, with my comforter blanket, and a kitty to top it off. Now after I'm done with this entry I just have to find something good to do to keep my spirits up. It's not the weather that gets me down, though, it's really just everything else... Not to mention that, whether it's snowing or not, I already feel too cold much of the time, simply because I suffer from various blood problems... Especially when I'm hungry, exhausted, or both.

So. I don't feel the words flowing well today at all, either. Writing isn't working out for me now. I just don't want to sit here feeling alone and exhausted with nothing to do on my own. Maybe if my body weren't so miserably cold, tired and weak, I'd go conduct some much needed card readings for myself, or something else positive and constructive. I wish I had some happy or uplifting information to share, but I don't. I'm drained and lonely, I just feel like I'm sinking.

I don't want today to become another miserable obstacle. I do feel like there's a big emotional weight on me and no one is there to help. I get the feeling that a moon wobble is just further oppressing me. I don't know. I'm not sure what else there is to say. I need a fireplace...

My lover... I just love you...
Please don't forget.

Think instead.

Happy October.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 11:54:15 GMT

I'm here because I need to use my journals properly now. In the way that they were intended, meaning being honest and free, letting myself write thoughts and feelings and just anything without having to pick it apart with my usually rampant habits of perfectionism and being over-critical of myself and my works. It means writing the things I'm thinking and feeling, letting them flow, to always have to share them with myself and my twin flame, and not have to worry about it for any reason. Because whether or not anyone else should ever even happen to read these words, that shouldn't even matter.

Also, I can't let myself be crushed under the weight of the pressure to always have to sound profound, or even intelligent. I can write these thoughts in any manner, with confusing jibberish, big words or small words, it shouldn't make a single difference, as long as the same meaning is there. To show a certain meaning and intent in a subject, or otherwise just communicate, is the whole point of ever using words at all, whether verbally or in writing.

I've been thinking about a lot of things, but I suppose that's nothing new. The only thing that's new are the subjects of my thought. If I ever happen to remember dreams anymore, they're very strange and new as well. Having story characters or even my lover present in a dream is something that used to be unheard of. It was rare at best. I think this is mainly because my sub-conscious mind has only been expressing my loneliness, in that my feeling alone all the time, my dreams will reflect this and I will literally be all alone... with the exception of having strangers or family members present to abuse me (as they usually do in both the dreamworld and the real world).

I don't have a whole lot to say about my recent dreams, except that it's refreshing to have my lover be with me in a dream once in a while, rather than never, as well as my story characters. The past several dreams I have been able to remember, at least one of my story characters has been there.

About the dreams. I did dream about my kitty baby Flickerwind who happened to be smaller and trying to sleep in my shirt again like she used to when she was a small kitten. Emoroth found his way into a dream with a silly Sailor Moon theme, which I guess kinda figures since he's a traveller who shows up wherever and whenever he pleases anyways. Kereon showed up after something of a mix between my storyworld and the Lord of the Rings universe, with myself speaking elvish AKA "Elyndellish", saving middle-earth by destroying the ring, and then for some unknown reason giving Kereon pajamas. This was mostly only weird to me because Kereon only ever wears vests otherwise. But the pajamas were cute nonetheless. Then, finally, last night it just so happened that a bunch of characters wanted an appearance, along with myself and my sisters. Ruvean, Farameth, Krey, Curek, and even Neria, along with two unknown people, wanted their presence to be known as we stayed at some sort of large hotel... with snow on the floor. Strange? Yes, but my dreams have only very rarely ever NOT been weird as hell. Also, I've had a lot of dreams with stramge languages and subtitles in the past, and they are awesomesauce.

I've been reading my Dethy's blog again, which I actually tend to do a lot, and not just to read something that's been updated, but to go over the entire thing again every once in a while. I do like to revisit memories and other old things, multiple times. My point in going back to old things is that, each time you experience something again, it is often done in a different frame of mind and therefore something new can always be learned from something old, no matter how many times it has been revisited. This is especially true in something as special as a journal and the journey of trying to understand oneself and others. Since I have a great scope of understanding for myself, I often tend to have a better understanding of people than they have had for themselves too, simply because they did not love themselves enough to invest that time on getting to know who they really are. The meaning of love becomes forgotten or otherwise confused with ego which unfortunately replaces it.

I guess I've been thinking about the past two plus years, as well as many other memories, particularly parts of my childhood that came back from the depths of a deep repression caused by trauma, and were otherwise awakened by the events of last month... mainly paperwork collected for my Social Security Hearing. This is not a bad thing unless I let it affect me negatively. On the contrary, it has been just one other good learning experience as of late, because I am remembering the hidden parts of myself that deserve recognition every bit as much as the rest of me. These parts of myself have been utterly abused, misunderstood and hated in the past, not by myself, but thanks to the ignorance of humanity. But no more. Even if the rest of the world were to hate me for this or any other reason, it doesn't have to affect me or my life anymore. I can come to terms with this, to never forget, and truly love myself (that means loving every part of me, even if it's something that hasn't been good for me in the past, love is the only way to heal and grow). It is also important to never forget any memory, whether a good experience or bad, because every memory can be built upon and learnt from, in order to build a happier, and wiser, future.

This is important in recalling my particular unpleasant memories. I can't change them, repress them, deny them, or even mourn over them, because any of these things is harmful to oneself, and in the process, hurtful to others. I can only accept them, come to terms with what has happened, learn from them, to be at peace with the situation and move on in learning and loving myself. These personal memories and experiences I have been sorting through lately, are relevant enough to have quite an impact on my storyworld as well. I have been considering some drastic changes as of late, and in changing these factors of my storyworld and characters, it would be much more respectful to myself, in being honest with who I really am. The continuance of a certain role-play in the near future would be great as well.

It should not necessary to explain much more other than to simlpy state that I am also a wolf incarnate, among other things. This is a simple fact and I will not let an abusive history get in the way of who I have always been. It is true that it's still painful to even mention this very thing, or to recall upon the memories, but I need not delve into this subject much further on this blog unless I am doing so in a healthy way with my twin flame. I did have a couple healing dreams with wolves in this past year, and that makes me happy. Maybe someday I will have an article or some sort of thread to discuss this topic with my lover as a way of venting in writing. I also want to be able to talk about the changes I've considered for my story.

So, with that said and done, I move on. I've looked back on many unfinished projects and other ventures of the past, too, because I've wanted to pick up on some of these again. As usual, games have still been a common outlet for boredom and just my own personal way (or one of the ways) of nurturing my inner child. I've had some fun with Super Nintendo games, including Harvest Moon, which I would still be playing if not for the enormous chore it has become to take care of the livestock, mainly because of all the dizzying lag in the barn thanks to the flaws in the game's old programming. It's still a fun game, but I can't quite handle that problem when I'm on my cycle or otherwise sick, espeially both. It's hard on my eyes and my already present headache.

Ragnarok has been okay, but the internet seems to be too uncooperative most times for me and my lover to really play it. Otherwise I've gone back to working on my Kirby Board Game, but who knows how far I'll actually ever get to finishing it. It sure would be an awesome game though, and great fun to play with my lover, as well as my best friend and niece, or anyone else who wants to try out my crazy creations of boredom... such as my strategy version of the Sorry board game, or my improved (still-improving) version of Life.

With games aside, I've been thinking of the role-plays that my lover and I have done, on and off through the past year or so. I want to role-play again soon, or at least as soon as I can, because I want to feel more rested and capable first. It's hard to do much of anything being sick. And yes, I have been sick for a while, which doesn't seem to want to stop anytime very soon. My physical body is miserable, but it doesn't mean that I am, although being sick does usually make it very hard to be happy, or anything above just "okay". Which, I guess I'm okay.

I also remembered how my Dethy and I had made surveys for each other, to fill out and share with each other privately. That had to be more than one-and-a-half years ago. We both finished creating the surveys, and my wonderful Dethy finished filling out mine, but considering the emotional hardships of that time, I never finished answering his. I have so badly wanted to finish it, but so much has been in the way. It was perhaps half way finished, or close to that, and it being a long survey with long answers, it was a lot of work, but it was also a great thing to do. Whenever I am feeling decent enough to work on it again, I want to do so, and to finally finish it. I owe it to myself as well as to my lover. Considering the big time-gap and changes between now and then, though, I'm going to have to update my answers, while at the same time keeping my old ones, because erasing them would only feel like I'm erasing the past. And why would I ever want to erase a memory? It would be like trying to erase a part of myself... which I've learned is something that cannot and should not be done.

So much has happaned already in the past two years, yet at the same time, the months go by and time only ever pushes onward, sometimes seeming to pass mercilessly as I find that a day has gone by without me, feeling unbelievably exhausted and utterly unaccomplished. I can't let myself feel bad about it though, whether or not I have done something that I had set out to do. There's only so much time in life with too much to do, there's no way that it could be done. But I suppose that's what reincarnation is for. Obviously, though, life isn't everything. I can only try my best to do what I came here to do, to love and be loved, to spread love, and after that I will have eternity to do anything. And I will be happy with my twin flame... because I know whoever happens to pass into the next world first will still be there for the other to the very end. Love is a power that will never die and can do anything.

I can't think of anything else to mention... and I guess that's a perfectly great note to end on anyway. My Dethy, I love you more than anything, and I will be trying to update here as often as possible, as well as finishing your survey. With love. For us.

I loved your survey to death so I would hope I can give you something nice to enjoy as well...

Happy Winter, my masterslave. Lol.

I am me. And I am writing!

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 10:12:58 GMT

I think I know of the main reasons why it has become impossible for me to keep a daily journal. First my problem is that I cannot handle expectations and demands. Second, is that when I am writing in my blog, it feels like I am writing a letter or an essay, or in other words, that I am doing it for somebody else. That it has become work for me, and how could I possibly be myself or even be honest if I am writing a journal as though it were for someone who knows nothing about me. How can I be myself then? I can't sit here trying to explain every complicated detail of myself or why something is the way it is and why I feel one way or another, when it should otherwise be obvious. Writing in a journal should never be a chore, it is supposed to be a healthy outlet.

I have to write in my journal for myself. My blogs were meant that way, yet only partially, because I couldn't shake the fear of being misunderstood or judged in some way. I can't get around misunderstandings, especially from people who do not truly know me, and so I cannot worry about it, especailly in something as personal as a journal. A journal is intended to be private and personal, and since a blog is virtually the same thing, it should also be treated as such, despite being available on the internet. Whether or not anyone is even going to be seeing it, it should not matter at all. For this blog at least, I should be writing for myself. I can't prevent judgments or misunderstandings anymore than I can hold the sky, simply because these things are in the hands of the other people from whom the judgment is coming from.

It is still unbelievably difficult, though, to be myself and treat this as I would treat a personal journal. I shouldn't hide myself, but I can't help it. The rest of the world has already tortured me and tried to destroy me for being honest and true to who I really am. I can't let abuse affect my actions even if it affects my emotions. My emotions should not and cannot be ignored, but they can be accepted and dealt with in healthier ways. I am here because I need to find a way to deal with my severe social phobias and other emotional sensitivites that keep me utterly paralyzed and unable to do even the simplest things. I think this starts here, with my journal keeping. The important thing is to let the words flow and to let go of the perfectionistic habits that are only having negative effects on me and my ability to write. This is important for both journal-keeping and story writing.

As I have mentioned before, even my dreams are affected if I am not writing in a journal or otherwise properly venting or expressing myself. Sometimes I don't even sleep deep enough to dream, and sometimes nightmares recurr. My lucid dreams, which used to be often, would be absent or scarce, and when the lucid dreams occur, they are often utterly uncontrollable. If I lose control of my emotions and my mind, I lose control of my dreams, which to me, is a horrific thing. Dreams, for me, have been the best experiences to be had in life, and I will not let go of that.

This year has been hellish, but I suppose that's not extremely different from all the years before, except for the fact that I haven't been able to hide in a dream anymore. If I am to have escapism and feel peace, I can only do this with my twin flame, since he is my most important dream to begin with. There are so many problems in our lives, it can be truly overwhelming much of the time. But as they must be dealt with, we can't hole ourselves up trying to forget about the things that make us sad or stressed out, we can't do things in such a way that we bottle our emotions, or encouraging the cycle of trying forget the things that have happened and the things that we must do. If we're doing that, then we're also encouraging ourselves to forget the things that we have learned, or to simply not allow ourselves to learn at all. That is also why I am here, writing this.

I have never felt like I was any good with words, and my perfectionistic habits along with social dysfunction make it difficult to do much of anything when it comes to truly expressing myself and being honest. But I feel that it is my time to change this, to let myself be free. Only in spiritual freedom can I be happy. I deserve love and happiness, just as anyone does. Anything I could ever need or want should not be shamed or dismissed, even if it can't be met. Because as my twin flame has continued to tell me, there is nothing wrong with having needs. Everyone has the same important needs anyway, and that is to be truly loved and nurtured. Everyone needs to be cared for, to have support and to feel confidence in themselves, so that they don't have to hide in the destructive patterns of egotism, hurting others and themselves. Love is the most important force in existence, and we are all in need of it. This means that every person is also naturally good, because their soul is made up of this force. The problem is that, in a society such as this one, spirituality is unknown and unwanted, and people only continue to abuse themselves and others, depriving themselves of this most important need. Humanity is simply procrastinating with the process of growth and learning that we are here to do. Otherwise the world would already be in the age of peace and we would all allow ourselves to be rational and sensitive rather than completely illogical and utterly insensitive.

Okay. Well. I've been on my evil cycle of pain so I'm woozy from blood loss and pain killer, not to mention the fact that spices in my food are making my throat and my skin burn, so I should probably wrap this up. I mainly just wanted to highlight some points of importance, and to remind myself that I can keep a daily journal if I want to. Anything can be done if one only wants it enough.

I will also be trying to lighten up and allow myself to be the playful person I am at heart, even in my journal, and to write about the silly things I do and love, without having to let myself be chained down by fear of judgment. I can vent about anything and everything, no matter how unimportant or even superficial it might seem at times. Anyone who has a problem with what I say or do, or even who I am... THAT PROBLEM IS THEIR PROBLEM, AND NOT MINE.

I am who I am. I am love. I love, and am loved.

And so it is.

Ouch...

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:07:00 GMT

I'm not exactly very awake, but what can I say..... My kitty woke me up by hitting me in the face with my big water bottle...... Yes... Full of water... o-o;

Honestly I don't feel like there's much I could write today, whether or not there's a lot to be said... But here I am. I just don't want to snap again. I can't be alone anymore. And I know just as well that my lover can't deal with it either. That is why these things must change. I can't live with my problems and insecurities or properly take care of myself if I'm alone, especially if I don't have the love that I need to feel okay and to get better... and my lover can't do much of anything if he's just busy hating himself, and therefore immoilized. Only with love can we have the confidence we need to overcome these problems. There's no more room for hatred or misery anymore. It hurts too much and it has a habit of breaking people. My reason for writing this is just another reminder to my lover to remember the lessons we've learned and to stop falling back into the old patterns that hurt us. I can't stand doing this anymore, and I know you can't either. But we can only change this together, not alone.

I need your help and most of all I just need your attention, especially at the times when I can't speak, because you should know how many problems I have with socializing. And what we went through yesterday obviously isn't an exception, especially if we don't wake up to the importance of the matter and take action. This needs change now, just as many other parts of the world are in desperate need of change. We can't keep going backwards, because otherwise what was the point of the past? We need to be able to look at the mistakes and the bad things with a rational mind, to draw on the lessons that it is trying to teach us. If we hide it, push it away, feel guilty, then we aren't learning as was intended. The hurt won't stop for either of us until we stop torturing ourselves too. Hating ourselves, in whole or part, is just about the worst thing either of us can do. Not only does it just make us miserable with ourselves, but it makes us hurt each other, even though we never meant to. If people can't love or nurture ourselves first, they can't truly love and nurture someone else. The same goes for us... That's just how Twin Flames work... or how any sensible relationship should. It is of immediate importance, particularly with twin flames, because we are complimentary parts of the same soul, and we share so many things.

These intense energies of being with one another need to be handled carefully and properly. Twin Flame relationships are no trivial matter... As neither is life. We are in this together and only together can we succeed. And I mean that in just about every way. You obviously know as well as I do, about the chaos that life has become for human beings, due to the backward tactics of anti problem-solving.

I'm just too tired and in pain today... firstly because I feel like I've been beat up (which I might as well have been considering my awakening this morning), secondly because of ongoing exhaustion these past months, and also because my head and eyes are just plain too worn out from the torture of yesterday...... My entire head and face hurts... but I'm praying I won't have to have the extra hurts anymore. I don't need the emotional pain and I can't handle the ongoing misery. I can barely subsist from day to day as it is when I don't even have the means to nourish myself. I need something to make the pain go away. And I need help to simply survive.

The most I can do today is try to find something good to do. Not to encourage laziness, negative cycles or to avoid problems, but to have a way to deal with the pain and stress without the constant overload. We can't just forget what has happened, but everyone needs a balance between reality and escapism, just as I beleive in the balance of seriousness and humor. You can't have one or the other in excess. I also cannot push myself too hard, to expect anything beyond my limits. So I can't expect anyone else to do so, either. All I can do is never give up and know that things can always be better, that limits can be expanded... and even if something seems impossible, nothing is impossible. We all just have to broaden our horizons by also broadening our scope of view, allowing ourselves to first see these things as possible. Because only then it is possible. Things won't happen unless we let them happen, and therefore we have to love ourselves, to want good things to happen for ourselves before they can happen. Wnen we don't love ourselves or otherwise don't feel deserving, whether consciously or not, we also sub-consciously keep things from improving for ourselves. In this same way, manifestations are often blocked... Not because of a lack of magic in the world, but because of a lack of belief in the magic.

Anyway.... I guess I'm going to stop soon, because my head and eyes are in too much pain to continue. But... I'm not done yet.

To my Twin Flame Lover... Things can be whatever we want them to be. Just try your best to remember the good things I have taught you and the things that we learn together. I know your memory is bad, but you can't blame yourself for that either, but just know that everything can heal, and that there are always other methods of dealing with a problem, no matter how hopeless it seems. If all we can remember are the bad things, then we're just encouraging the negative cycles and torturing ourselves. We don't need to hold on to anything unless it is good for us. So just hold onto me... We can help each other with love. Remember how much we have loved and still love each other, and that it can only continue to grow stronger (and that is has)... and that we have to treat ourselves with that same care in order to move on. We both deserve it, we owe it to each other and to ourselves. Yes, I need and deserve nurturing love no matter what, despite a past where this has been denied, sometimes making me beleive that I don't deserve it. And it is exactly the same way for you. You deserve love too, no matter what, and I will help you feel it. We are one... We are here, and I will love you now... and that is what matters. The past is only ever relevant if we can constructively build upon it, to learn from it, both the good and the bad. We can help each other through anything, and we have to remember to keep a grip on our rational minds just as much as spirituality, in order to get through these times. Meditate, breathe, mentally surround yourself in love, healing light, and all good things, think about problems rationally, asking your guides and angels to help you with any problem... because they always can, and always will, as long as you let them. Asking is only good if you will allow yourself to receive. But we can. We can love ourselves, or do anything else, as long as we truly want it, and nothing will stand in the way of that.

I will always love you more than anything, and I will always be with you, no matter what happens. I've already made this promise to you before, but I need you to remember and to hold onto these things. And this promise will never be broken. We can't let go of the good things... So let's never forget, never stop learning, never give up, and never stop going forward.

Let's be the friends and lovers we know we are and always have been. And so it is.

Let's have an awkward moment of brutal honesty in the unknown subject of a female's sexuality.

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 19:30:00 GMT

I seem to have a headache this morning, but otherwise am fine. Blogdrive on the other hand, seems to be having some serious problems. I just hope this doesn't go on for too long, because that means this entry will be post-poned as well... or maybe even eaten.

Well, this month has been kind of a mess, but things should be back on track now. I had my hearing for Social Security Income a few days ago, which, evidently, I won.... Thanks to the fact that I had a legal representative and attorney to help. I didn't even meet my attorney until the very same week, since my mom didn't find one until the last minute, but I wouldn't have been able to win otherwise. Not to mention that this particular judge doesn't want to see anyone who doesn't have an attorney. But anyway, it's done, and it went smoothly... Probably better than anyone could have asked for, and I believe I can thank the power of prayer for that. It will still be a month or so before the judge sends out his written decision, and likely much longer for Social Security to start paying anything, but I've waited for more than two and a half years already, so I will be fine in the meantime.

The thing that matters most of all, though, above anything else, is that I have my lover to be with me. We have each other to love and to experience every good thing together. We both have to remember not to fall back into destructive cycles and the old patterns that don't help us, especially the ones that keep us from being together or close like we should. Neither of us should have to be alone anymore. As long as we make sure to handle our thoughts and feelings in a balanced manner, then we can be the friends and lovers we were always meant to be. We can share every thought and emotion together, and solve anything with the power of love. I know that love, above all things, can heal any situation.

I don't expect to have a particularly long entry, but I must at least explain the true reason of why I am here writing this, aside from the reason that I want to write in a blog when I can. With the constant and intense emotionally charged atmosphere that is my life, being the extremely sensitive soul that I am, and with being around my twin flame all the time... I need to be able to handle my emotions properly, to stop perpetuating abusive cycles. And, I might as well start putting this sensitivity and intensity to proper use. That means, that I will be honest with my thoughts and feelings, to allow myself to feel and express them, and to deal with them rationally as well... especially the most prominent ones that I absolutely cannot, and should not, be ignoring. What I am really talking about, is my own intense sexuality. Particularly during these hormonal phases and most sexually charged moments of my life, I need to allow myself to be honest and to feel perfectly okay with that. Because there's nothing wrong it.

Sexuality is obviously natural, and it needs a healthy outlet, for anyone, especially to be able to heal the severe problems that can stem from sexual repression, inappropriate expression, denial and/or guilt. The intensity of one's sexual nature and extremity of their own sex-drive may greatly vary between people, but nonetheless it is still there. My sexual nature in particular is extreme, due to many factors, genetic, astrological and spiritual. However, I need to be able to deal with it properly, which means I need to stop repressing it and feeling bad about it. For me, it's my biggest, most pressing issue, as it is also connected to my emotional problems as well... And in fact, is the cause of almost every emotional breakdown that I experience, due to my own personal history of ongoing abuse with this subject. I'm going to be honest about it now, regardless of the way things have been in the past. Sexual repression has only made me a miserable wreck for these past two years, and can only continue to make things worse if that does not change. Most people can only respond with discomfort and complete misunderstanding with the very topic of sexuality, but that's not going to stop me from weidling the truth and facing it... especially with the person I love most. The only way to heal this, is to face it head on. I should never ignore or deny my own emotions, my obvious needs, nor desires. This is a very serious matter, especially during these times of my life where I need help in dealing with my sexuality the most.

Fortunately for me, I have the rest of eternity to be with my twin flame. So I need to stop feeling guilty about all the time that has been lost, wasted on misery, with me inadvertantly torturing myself with this problem, as well as other problems. But now, with help and support, and being able to understand these problems, I can start taking the better road through life, allowing myself to heal with love... as I say goodbye to everything that has ever hurt me. These things will no longer be allowed to continue to do so. I think that any wounds can heal, however deep. As a wonderful person once told me: I can be any damn thing I want to be. I can have or do anything, as long as I want it enough.

So I can be the beautiful, sexy woman I always wanted to be, too.

And I will have my sexy lover man.

Heehee.....