I do want to be able to write everything here, anything that I feel or that just pops into my head, without feeling afraid to do so. To be honest and not care what anyone thinks. Because I deserve that much. I deserve to be free.
Besides I don't think anyone is going to be looking at this site other than the two people that I know. So I just want this to be for me. And to share with my twin flame. Like it was supposed to be.
So I had messed up dreams, though that's not unusual. What's slightly unusual is that my body being in heat made it seem exceptionally nonsensical like some kind of porno where everyone starts having sex for no reason... Especially weird when the same gender is trying to make out with me. But okay.
These are the kind of hormones I deal with all the time, but by all means, I'd much rather be horny all the time, than be miserable all the time. Certain people would disagree on that, but they aren't me, so that doesn't really matter, does it.
I don't want anything to kill my natural emotional processes, to prevent me from ever feeling any sensual pleasures, and simply making me miserable all the time... and that's why I am never going to be taking birth control pills again.
On the other hand, no longer taking birth control pills hasn't made everything perfect for me, either, since I still need more time to recover, and my body still has tons of health problems... plenty of which remain a mystery. I constantly have pains, which I obviously need to get checked for, among other things, but have no way to do so yet. I have had highly irregular, extremely painful and prolonged menstrual cycles too, ever since my first one. Unfortunately, where I live, everyone constantly treats a menstrual cycle like habit or something that is the woman's fault, and makes her no longer qualify as a person.... not that the majority here ever qualified women as people to begin with, but still. A slight cold, or an obstinate drug addict, or... well, anything at all, would get more positive attention than what I go through, for more than a third of my life. In fact I have menstrual-like pains whenever I'm not on my menstrual cycle as well, so, yes I do indeed believe that it qualifies as a 'major health problem' which has been ruining my life.
My rants about this subject are highly overdue. And I'm sure there will be a time to continue venting about it someday soon, but I guess I'll switch topics now.
I just had dinner/breakfast... and it's storming outside. I love thunderstorms, though I don't quite I love them as much as I used to... but that's only due to the fact that I started having horrible nightmares about lightning about two years ago. Luckily I don't have dreams like that anymore, but I had still been petrified enough to become wary of thunderstorms. This should be understandable since the recurring dreams almost always included me getting killed, and during one particularly bad dream I awoke to a real storm outside.
I still have some annoying thunder in my dreams every once in a while though, since I live close to an air force base, and the very loud sounds of the jets will translate into my dreams that way.
..I just want to get over this issue now and go back to the way I was. I had always loved thunderstorms. And I mean always. Even as a small child, if there was an apocolyptic thunderstorm going on, I would just be having great fun... even while my mom was scared to death. Naturally I'd take that enjoyment over being scared by thunder just because of some nightmares I'd had. And besides... I'm not careless... I get the feeling that all those dreams represented something metaphorical or emotional rather than a literal premonition. What exactly the message is, though, I'm not so sure.
Dreams have always fascinated me as well.
Anyways... yeah... so what did I do yesterday... It wasn't particularly exciting or amazing or anything, but neither is much of my life..... but at least yesterday was pretty fun. Got to spend time with my lover, which is great of course..... Talking about elements, shadow magic, the shadow realms, and silly things.... and according to Dethy the element of Majii is apparently "the power of living life stuff".....Lol... um... Watched a couple movies.... and for some strange reason felt drunken afterward. I mean I don't suppose I would start thinking aloud in a normal state of mind, my brain doesn't make enough sense to just blurb anything, lol. I even startled and confused myself, but at least it was pretty damn funny.
Dethy, I love you.
I just want to cuddle and feel you more, to just be romantic, to show you how much I love and appreciate you... and to be able to feel how much you love me too... but the time I spend with you is always special. You're the main reason I've been able to grow into such a loving person, to see the good in myself, and everyone. You motivate and inspire me to be the best I can be, and to find my happiness. You bring out the best in me... I wouldn't want to be alive without you because you're everything to me.
That's why I don't even want to conclude a blog entry with anything else.
I just want to be able to share even more with you... to have our lives... to be honest... and be happy... with love... the way we deserve... and that everyone deserves.
Thank you for everything you give me.
