I still don't write in my blog as I keep saying I will or should, because I don't know how to explain anything I am feeling or going through. I especially don't know how I'm supposed to do that when it's something that is utterly miserable. And even if I could explain it with words, I don't feel that anyone could possibly begin to understand it, or even want to hear it either. I'm only here now because I feel so depressed and alone, that I can't just let it build up without some kind of venting, other than the crying I have to do as usual. Also if I can't feel loved or get real help somehow then it can only get worse. And then it just feels like anything good that I've ever felt or done, has been ruined.

It seems like I'm left to mourn the past forever, even though there's not a lot there that's worth looking at. Unfortunately it still looks a lot happier to me than the way I've been feeling these past two years. I can't go back, but I can't have my dreams of a better future anymore either, because this is life and reality has smashed down my dreams. But that doesn't mean I accept it, and that is why I seem to be stuck. I can't have the things I want, but I can't accept the horrible misery of reality either. The things I want most of all especailly, just can't happen, at least not in the physical world. In my life particularly happiness just seems like an unnattainable thing, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself be happy, and I can't pretend that I am.

I didn't come to this life for my own enjoyment either. But with that knowledge I just don't feel like I have the strength to live or see how I'm supposed to accomplish what I set out to do. I'm an old soul and could be in spiritual retirement right now, I'm too worn out for this, yet here I am, so I've only been doing my best, while waiting for my life to improve, because it's all I can do. I can't do anything about it, I've only been waiting for my situation to somehow get better even though it only seems to go backwards sometimes. And I can only hope to god that my dreams aren't just completely out of reach. I have to have some tiny amount of hope to cling to at least, but at times like now it feels impossible. Anything that ever made me feel any happiness is just in the past and only that. All I'm left with now is pain or numbness. That is why I am mourning the past forever.

Once my heart found joy in a dream of romance. That dream was broken by harsh reality and changes suddenly forcing things ahead. But I cannot be truly happy without that dream to live in. My heart breaks and I do not know what will happen.

Romance is not one-sided, so I cannot have it if my twin flame is not ready to have it either or does not understand what I need.

This is too much for me. I can't even take care of myself with all of my overwhelming sensitivities, but I have to... and alone.... but there's no way I can handle the energies of being around someone else, or dealing with feeling what they feel, even if it's something trivial. If I had to be born an empath, why couldn't my lover be one? Or at least could I just please be a Carpathian? At least that way I wouldn't be alone...

Love is there but happiness is nowhere.

..If we weren't ready to be in a twin flame relationship then we wouldn't have met.... But how much longer do I have to wait like this? I can't just wait as it feels like everything is getting worse... I feel miserable and alone, and I have no power over my situation..... It makes me want to rip my own heart out, since I already feel like I'm being sacraficed. I can't feel loved this way either.... I only feel like a burden and that anything I say or do will just make everyone else miserable too. So I have to be alone in suffering.

I am only trying to be honest. I do not know what else I can say or what I could possibly ask of anyone, or how to make anyone understand my feelings, or even any aspect of me. I only wish I weren't alive right now because I hurt too much. I feel utterly alone, more alone than anyone knows.

All I can do is wait.

~My heart cries for Ravendeth~