I'm not exactly very awake, but what can I say..... My kitty woke me up by hitting me in the face with my big water bottle...... Yes... Full of water... o-o;

Honestly I don't feel like there's much I could write today, whether or not there's a lot to be said... But here I am. I just don't want to snap again. I can't be alone anymore. And I know just as well that my lover can't deal with it either. That is why these things must change. I can't live with my problems and insecurities or properly take care of myself if I'm alone, especially if I don't have the love that I need to feel okay and to get better... and my lover can't do much of anything if he's just busy hating himself, and therefore immoilized. Only with love can we have the confidence we need to overcome these problems. There's no more room for hatred or misery anymore. It hurts too much and it has a habit of breaking people. My reason for writing this is just another reminder to my lover to remember the lessons we've learned and to stop falling back into the old patterns that hurt us. I can't stand doing this anymore, and I know you can't either. But we can only change this together, not alone.

I need your help and most of all I just need your attention, especially at the times when I can't speak, because you should know how many problems I have with socializing. And what we went through yesterday obviously isn't an exception, especially if we don't wake up to the importance of the matter and take action. This needs change now, just as many other parts of the world are in desperate need of change. We can't keep going backwards, because otherwise what was the point of the past? We need to be able to look at the mistakes and the bad things with a rational mind, to draw on the lessons that it is trying to teach us. If we hide it, push it away, feel guilty, then we aren't learning as was intended. The hurt won't stop for either of us until we stop torturing ourselves too. Hating ourselves, in whole or part, is just about the worst thing either of us can do. Not only does it just make us miserable with ourselves, but it makes us hurt each other, even though we never meant to. If people can't love or nurture ourselves first, they can't truly love and nurture someone else. The same goes for us... That's just how Twin Flames work... or how any sensible relationship should. It is of immediate importance, particularly with twin flames, because we are complimentary parts of the same soul, and we share so many things.

These intense energies of being with one another need to be handled carefully and properly. Twin Flame relationships are no trivial matter... As neither is life. We are in this together and only together can we succeed. And I mean that in just about every way. You obviously know as well as I do, about the chaos that life has become for human beings, due to the backward tactics of anti problem-solving.

I'm just too tired and in pain today... firstly because I feel like I've been beat up (which I might as well have been considering my awakening this morning), secondly because of ongoing exhaustion these past months, and also because my head and eyes are just plain too worn out from the torture of yesterday...... My entire head and face hurts... but I'm praying I won't have to have the extra hurts anymore. I don't need the emotional pain and I can't handle the ongoing misery. I can barely subsist from day to day as it is when I don't even have the means to nourish myself. I need something to make the pain go away. And I need help to simply survive.

The most I can do today is try to find something good to do. Not to encourage laziness, negative cycles or to avoid problems, but to have a way to deal with the pain and stress without the constant overload. We can't just forget what has happened, but everyone needs a balance between reality and escapism, just as I beleive in the balance of seriousness and humor. You can't have one or the other in excess. I also cannot push myself too hard, to expect anything beyond my limits. So I can't expect anyone else to do so, either. All I can do is never give up and know that things can always be better, that limits can be expanded... and even if something seems impossible, nothing is impossible. We all just have to broaden our horizons by also broadening our scope of view, allowing ourselves to first see these things as possible. Because only then it is possible. Things won't happen unless we let them happen, and therefore we have to love ourselves, to want good things to happen for ourselves before they can happen. Wnen we don't love ourselves or otherwise don't feel deserving, whether consciously or not, we also sub-consciously keep things from improving for ourselves. In this same way, manifestations are often blocked... Not because of a lack of magic in the world, but because of a lack of belief in the magic.

Anyway.... I guess I'm going to stop soon, because my head and eyes are in too much pain to continue. But... I'm not done yet.

To my Twin Flame Lover...  Things can be whatever we want them to be. Just try your best to remember the good things I have taught you and the things that we learn together. I know your memory is bad, but you can't blame yourself for that either, but just know that everything can heal, and that there are always other methods of dealing with a problem, no matter how hopeless it seems. If all we can remember are the bad things, then we're just encouraging the negative cycles and torturing ourselves. We don't need to hold on to anything unless it is good for us. So just hold onto me... We can help each other with love. Remember how much we have loved and still love each other, and that it can only continue to grow stronger (and that is has)... and that we have to treat ourselves with that same care in order to move on. We both deserve it, we owe it to each other and to ourselves. Yes, I need and deserve nurturing love no matter what, despite a past where this has been denied, sometimes making me beleive that I don't deserve it. And it is exactly the same way for you. You deserve love too, no matter what, and I will help you feel it. We are one... We are here, and I will love you now... and that is what matters. The past is only ever relevant if we can constructively build upon it, to learn from it, both the good and the bad.  We can help each other through anything, and we have to remember to keep a grip on our rational minds just as much as spirituality, in order to get through these times. Meditate, breathe, mentally surround yourself in love, healing light, and all good things, think about problems rationally, asking your guides and angels to help you with any problem... because they always can, and always will, as long as you let them. Asking is only good if you will allow yourself to receive. But we can. We can love ourselves, or do anything else, as long as we truly want it, and nothing will stand in the way of that.

I will always love you more than anything, and I will always be with you, no matter what happens. I've already made this promise to you before, but I need you to remember and to hold onto these things. And this promise will never be broken. We can't let go of the good things... So let's never forget, never stop learning, never give up, and never stop going forward.

Let's be the friends and lovers we know we are and always have been. And so it is.

I seem to have a headache this morning, but otherwise am fine. Blogdrive on the other hand, seems to be having some serious problems. I just hope this doesn't go on for too long, because that means this entry will be post-poned as well... or maybe even eaten.

Well, this month has been kind of a mess, but things should be back on track now. I had my hearing for Social Security Income a few days ago, which, evidently, I won.... Thanks to the fact that I had a legal representative and attorney to help. I didn't even meet my attorney until the very same week, since my mom didn't find one until the last minute, but I wouldn't have been able to win otherwise. Not to mention that this particular judge doesn't want to see anyone who doesn't have an attorney. But anyway, it's done, and it went smoothly... Probably better than anyone could have asked for, and I believe I can thank the power of prayer for that. It will still be a month or so before the judge sends out his written decision, and likely much longer for Social Security to start paying anything, but I've waited for more than two and a half years already, so I will be fine in the meantime.

The thing that matters most of all, though, above anything else, is that I have my lover to be with me. We have each other to love and to experience every good thing together. We both have to remember not to fall back into destructive cycles and the old patterns that don't help us, especially the ones that keep us from being together or close like we should. Neither of us should have to be alone anymore. As long as we make sure to handle our thoughts and feelings in a balanced manner, then we can be the friends and lovers we were always meant to be. We can share every thought and emotion together, and solve anything with the power of love. I know that love, above all things, can heal any situation.

I don't expect to have a particularly long entry, but I must at least explain the true reason of why I am here writing this, aside from the reason that I want to write in a blog when I can. With the constant and intense emotionally charged atmosphere that is my life, being the extremely sensitive soul that I am, and with being around my twin flame all the time... I need to be able to handle my emotions properly, to stop perpetuating abusive cycles. And, I might as well start putting this sensitivity and intensity to proper use. That means, that I will be honest with my thoughts and feelings, to allow myself to feel and express them, and to deal with them rationally as well... especially the most prominent ones that I absolutely cannot, and should not, be ignoring. What I am really talking about, is my own intense sexuality. Particularly during these hormonal phases and most sexually charged moments of my life, I need to allow myself to be honest and to feel perfectly okay with that. Because there's nothing wrong it.

Sexuality is obviously natural, and it needs a healthy outlet, for anyone, especially to be able to heal the severe problems that can stem from sexual repression, inappropriate expression, denial and/or guilt. The intensity of one's sexual nature and extremity of their own sex-drive may greatly vary between people, but nonetheless it is still there. My sexual nature in particular is extreme, due to many factors, genetic, astrological and spiritual. However, I need to be able to deal with it properly, which means I need to stop repressing it and feeling bad about it. For me, it's my biggest, most pressing issue, as it is also connected to my emotional problems as well... And in fact, is the cause of almost every emotional breakdown that I experience, due to my own personal history of ongoing abuse with this subject. I'm going to be honest about it now, regardless of the way things have been in the past. Sexual repression has only made me a miserable wreck for these past two years, and can only continue to make things worse if that does not change. Most people can only respond with discomfort and complete misunderstanding with the very topic of sexuality, but that's not going to stop me from weidling the truth and facing it... especially with the person I love most. The only way to heal this, is to face it head on. I should never ignore or deny my own emotions, my obvious needs, nor desires. This is a very serious matter, especially during these times of my life where I need help in dealing with my sexuality the most.

Fortunately for me, I have the rest of eternity to be with my twin flame. So I need to stop feeling guilty about all the time that has been lost, wasted on misery, with me inadvertantly torturing myself with this problem, as well as other problems. But now, with help and support, and being able to understand these problems, I can start taking the better road through life, allowing myself to heal with love... as I say goodbye to everything that has ever hurt me. These things will no longer be allowed to continue to do so. I think that any wounds can heal, however deep. As a wonderful person once told me: I can be any damn thing I want to be. I can have or do anything, as long as I want it enough.

So I can be the beautiful, sexy woman I always wanted to be, too.

And I will have my sexy lover man.

Heehee.....

I'm too tired to have a lot to say, but I want to update here as often as I can possibly get myself to do so. I'm here and I have my lover back, so I'm fine. Things got suddenly busy again, so we've been spending some nights on and off at my mom's place, and at home cleaning up and taking care of pest issues. The good news is that we should not be seeing any more pests now. The bad news? Well I don't know but I'm certainly not looking forward to September, since I still have to attend a hearing to continue my ongoing war against Social Security. I don't have any confidence that anything positive will come from all this, but nonetheless I will try my best, hope for the best, and still be expecting the worst.

I have been suffering from very severe loneliness for a long while, and these past couple weeks have been no exception. And I miss my best friend too much, especially since I actually have no other friends, aside from my twin flame lover. I'd also felt miserable from not being able to spend any positive time with family. This summer has just been hell, having nothing to do and no one to be with, and just having this emotional barrier between me and my lover, keeping us from being close again like we should be. Fortunately we are working together to uncover and solve any problems that make us unhappy. And now we are able to be close again and can allow ourselves to share and feel everything together.

As long as I have my lover being open to me, showing me that I am loved, feeling my love and loving himself too, then I can be happy... the way that I once felt... And I can move on with my life and my purpose.

I know this entry is still really small but that's all I really have to say today... I've been through a hectic weekend, and week, so I'd like to just have a nice break with my lover... even if we don't do anything. We can just cuddle and do nothing, I don't care... I just need to relax, and most of all I need to feel love. I am happy, and that means I can find the inspiration to do good things again.

I love you, my lover, and my best friend. You guys are the best family I could have. I need both of you.

P.S. - Enelevrinn, please call me, whenever you want.

...I'm here again, but really only because of boredom... Nothing has been happening this past week or so really, I've just been exhausted lately, and not so sure what to do either. I have games for amusement, but that gets boring too of course. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to solve this problem. I can't exactly draw, with current circumstances... or do anything creative... or even much of anything in general. Role-play would be a great outlet but I just feel like an exhausted zombie these days, and there's not going to be any role-playing going on with everyone just being zombified and having no way to wake ourselves up.

I've just been tinkering with a few games, and sleeping, since I can't get myself to do anything. And well, dreams are as weird as ever, and lately when I have a dream that I don't like or otherwise upsets me, I tend to forget what it was. So I can't say much about last night's dream, although I do remember dreaming about myself being older and having children of my own, except that I was married to some random abusive man. And that wasn't anything pleasant to dream about either, but it does make me wonder if that's ever happened in a past life too.

Yes I'm bored today, and still stumped as to what to do about it. I do kind of feel... well... unfulfilled, but I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it either. Mostly I just feel like sleeping forever, and wishing that I didn't have certain aggravating obligations coming up next month... and yes I'm lonely, because I can't spend time with the very few friends that I have... rather, the very very very few friends I have. And I wish I knew what to do with my lover besides play games that seem to keep me tired and my brain rather zombified. Merhfhfff...

Sorry for not having anything uplifting or even remotely interesting to say. I don't feel well, and I certainly don't feel like I have anything good to do... I'm just.... so damn exhausted.... I don't think most people understand how painful it is to have chronic fatigue, either. I just can't have the motivation to do anything, or care about anything, when I'm tired enough. And I'm tired almost all the time, definitely more often than anything else. It just makes life drag on horrendously, although I can still feel time being wasted, going away for ever... and just feeling miserable about that, too. Ever since childhood I've felt pressed for time and only feel ever more distraught as each day is gone... I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. And I feel too drained to be able to make myself feel better about things. I wish I felt like I could do anything at all.

I need to not feel so lonely. It makes me miserable. Not to mention Summer is just depressing. Plus, I still can't get rid of Dysmorphophobic problems, like just feeling horrible about myself every second of my life, and not being able to concentrate on anything, or be able to socialize with any amount of normalcy. I can't feel relaxed or safe because I just feel horrible about myself and usually don't have anything to help me feel better... Especially when family members are insensitive, and constantly misinterpret my emotional problems, and then make me out to be an antagonist... and to actually confirm bad feelings about myself that aren't even true in the first place. Well even though others might treat me like some kind of monster, and even make me feel like I am at times, it doesn't mean I am...

Well I'm stuck being fairly bored and lonely until something changes for the better. I don't know what to say. I just want to get out of this depression that keeps pulling me back in. It'd certainly help if I had a healthy way to socialize and spend time with loved ones, or at least something more uplifting or fulfilling to do, but I don't have anything right now... And I don't see what else I can do about it besides what I am doing, and to just try and vent, to express myself whenever possible. I know being honest is important, so that's what I'm trying to do. If anyone doesn't like that, that's just their problem. And that's really all I can say about it....

...I miss connecting with my best friend.... I love my twin flame, but I need to feel loved and worthy of love too.  Please help me.

Lovely memories of Moo. For me, it is forever the alert sound of The Dethy signing onto AIM... And that is why it is my happy sound.

...I'm not so much on drugs today, yet I still feel very.... out of it... I guess I'm just really tired... and sick... I did sleep for a while but I probably still could have slept for another day or so... that is, if I didn't feel the need to do something. Not to mention my body requires sustenance.

The last two months or so, I've mostly been messing around with games. There's also been some tinkering with creative RP dice rollers, story stuff, and whatnot... Mainly I just made a bunch more characters for Ragnarok Online, along with my lover, and we've been raising a couple of them together. Age of Empires is fun too, but it'd be even more fun if I could have the expansion pack for the game... and if it didn't keep crashing lately.

I also beat Mario64, in a day... even though it was the first time I had played it for years, and I had never completely finished it in the past... and um..... I've been playing Ocarina of Time with my lover, while he plays on the system, and I play the retextured version on the emulator. We haven't finished playing it together yet, but that's really only because every time I start playing it again, I'm just ready to fall asleep. I've already beaten that game like a bajillion times anyways... but I wanted Dethy to play through it, since he hasn't. If I had known that before, I would have made him finish it before making him play Majora's Mask... Now I just feel awkward. o-o;

Also, we picked up on role-playing again, which has definitely been good. It had been a while since the last session... which I believe was back in May... but I want to make a habit of RPing a lot more often, and that way it becomes even easier to just do it whenever, and for it to be, like, a casual thing. It's great to do and is basically the most fun thing I can do, and with my lover, and not to mention that it's also the only creative thing we can really do together at all... And the more we do, my lover can become even more familiar with my story world, and my story world can devellop even more too. So it's really the best possible form of entertainment I can think of. I just need help with having the confidence to do it more, since I'm the one who has to lead... and it might take a while to finish all the insane dice rollers... But oh well.... I've been doing a lot...

...I think I'm much too high to be writing here today, but I wanted to anyway. Well also, I never mentioned that my sister Jenn got married, just last Friday... 8/8/08. So that was nice, and I got to spend a little time with my daddy, my niece, and my best friend. Otherwise, nothing is going on this month and I don't expect anything, although I still wish it wouldn't end just because I don't want to have to face next month. Why? Only because Social Security finally set up a date for a hearing, to appeal my mess of a case. I'm doomed if I can't get a legal representative, but even worse is that my mom is trying to be my representative.... Urgh. If I even have the strength to say anything else about this, I'll have to do it some other time.

I really feel like a sick zombie right now, it's very... frustrating... but I guess I should find something else to do... because my sitting here spacing isn't going to help anyone. I just wish I knew what to do exactly. Blerh. Oh well. I love you Dethy. You are always my lover. You make me happy.

Moo!

I was like:  @_____@  ::.Staring at the holiday title for several minutes. Extremely confused and surprised. Yet also amused.::

Lol, all I can say is that I have no idea what that one is about, or what on earth is wrong with the people in Queens. Who made this holiday, and why? And what are the festivities, I wonder? Lmao... Yeah it's a little disturbing to think about as well... I didn't want to traumatize anyone, but I'm allowing myself to be myself and be free. And I enjoy humor!

Anyways I would really love to role-play again whenever possible.... It's always wonderful to be able to role-play with my lover or my best friend.... and especially both at the same time. I guess I was having too much fun reading old role-play logs of us last night... I went to bed too late, and then got woken up too early by pointless phone-calls. So yeah I'm tired again. I'm rather upset about constantly getting so many phone-solicitations, junk mail, and etc, even though we aren't supposed to be getting any of that stuff anymore. The planet might just be dead before anything happens since I don't think anyone has any idea how many trees are being sacraficed every day just to fill up my own damn mailbox with complete crap that I never want. I'm also pretty mad at the internet right now, for just eating things I try to write all the time. It has done this countless times and continues to do so. This why I never trust the internt and always try to paste my writings somewhere else. However, even that doesn't always save me from the wrath of the hungry internet.... especially DeviantArt, being utterly cruel and hardly ever working......... ::.Kicks it in the internuts.::

Yeah.... Oh well.... I'm fine....... I am glad that my best friend is planning on her awesome club, The Sharing! ::.Laughs in amusement.:: Mwahaha. Yes... The Sharing is an evil organization for the alien parasites from The Animorphs series... And it is awesome, because now it is going to be everything that it was supposed to be, and more:  A supportive social group for anyone, to help people to motivate each other in great ways, to spread love, empathetic support, hopefully improve lives, and of course to have fun. I am fairly excited to see how and it will go, and would love to help, if I can. The world always needs more love... and how ironic that more love would be spread by "The Sharing"...

I also hope that this month will turn out to be fun. It'd be great to hang out with my best friend Enel, and my sister Jenn, for at least few days... and hopefully while my awesome niece is there too. I just have to expect the worst and yet be hopeful for the best. I can never keep my hopes too high because social plans tend to fail apart quite often... And even a 12-month Tarot spread had said that one of the themes of this month would be "dashed hopes"..... However, as anyone involved in divination should know, the future is chageable. Divination, or telling the future, is often like drawing a vague map of your life, and one that only you can follow however you choose... but it's true that it can be easy to get side-tracked or get lost. In this way, anything is possible for the future; You might take any road on the map and you might end up anywhere. Also, various oracle tools tend to give us divine guidance and "tell us what we need to hear", rather than a actually revealing certain future outcomes..... Um.... Lol and now this statement is reminding me of the first Matrix movie because I believe something very similar was said in that, about the Oracle lady.  Lol... Well hopefully some people can see the truth in that... Divination and time-related stuff in itself is insanely complicated and can be quite mind-boggling at times.

Well, the rest of the layout of that 12-month spread was not comforting either, although I think that's mainly because of my many worries at the time and the way I had initially interpreted it then (I think about two months ago)... And that spread is a little too confusing to really understand or to take too seriously.... Future-telling Tarot layouts tend to be like that, since anything is possible for the future and the cards can have mutiple meanings and interpretations. There was at least one good thing about that layout, though... The last part, concerning the general theme of the next 12 months, assured me that "the worst is over". I do believe this is true, and I honestly feel like the worst is already over right now, considering how things have been and how things are trying to change. Of course it's always possible for more unfortunate things to happen, and for me I might even face the death of a parent or something like that soon... but nonetheless, as I have changed, and I refuse to make myself miserable about things anymore, I don't think life can be any harder on me than it already has been. I will be fine. I have survived and overcome so much already. I am a powerful soul and I can change things for the better. Things will continue to get better, and yes I think I can manifest better prosperity for myself and my loved ones... And I know that sometime soon I will be able to more efficiently utilize my talents to do greater things in the world.

...Somebody needs to urge me to really write about Reincarnation here sometime, since that's a huge topic for me... And Dreams, too.... And I should also list many more various aspects of true myself (that is, my spirit self) and to share the things I have learned, both profound truths about myself, as well as in life in general. One thing that might really help me to write these blog articles, is if I can write them in Question-and-Answer form, survey-form or something like that. I might need help doing that though. Because otherwise I don't know where to start, with how huge and seemingly endless these topics really can be. I would never be able to cover everything about Reincarnation in several entries, let alone one entry... And the extent of the mind is pretty unlimited, too, so there's always more speculations, questions, perspectives and various ideas to add onto initial topics. I'm sure I could write books on many things, and most of all the importance of Love, Understanding and Listening..... if only I knew where to begin, and how to help people be more receptive, to learn and be open to spiritual ideas. I would also have to figure out what questions to answer, and in what order, and just everything.... Trying to write any book is really very difficult, as any perfectionistic author should know. Ahwell, I suppose I will figure it out one of these days.

It may be too long before I can make much of a difference, but hopefully I can make some people's lives a little better..... and for now I'm just hoping that the conditions of the world will start improving as more people are becoming more aware at this time. There are huge changes trying to happen, even though most people are subconsciously rejecting these changes... and I suppose some people are consciously trying to avoid them out of fear, wanting to cling to what they know and what they think benefits them... while others may simply have no idea what is happening at all, and just becoming increasingly confused as certain energies shift. These changes are unavoidable, however. Various energies are being amplified, and therefore various old systems and structures of our societies that perpetuate negativity are not going to be able to function anymore, or to hide the truth... because the world is transitioning into new levels of higher-awareness, to help us realize all that is in desperate need of reform. Well, hopefully more people are starting to let go of their fear and aspects of ego, so that they can jump in with the rest of us now. Seeing all this procrastination is very tiring. Seriously, tell the ignorant voice of Ego to shut up and go sit in a corner. Let's love each other now. There's no reason and no time for waiting. A world of Love and Peace is only ever as possible as you want it to be.

...Anyway. I'm going to go on a little vacation to storyworld now.

And in honor of "Hug Your Cat Day", me and the fairies will be giving away playful hugs.   ....::.Cuddles with my precious affectionate kitty-baby named Flickerwind.::

...Being awake for more than 24 hours while your body is non-stop hormonal is not recommended. But anyway. I don't think I have a whole lot else to talk about. I did try writing story stuff a couple days ago, and even poetry about characters I was working on... but all that stuff was just as much an outlet for my hormones as it was for my creative ideas at that moment. I'm trying to work on my existing characters, while still inadvertantly making new ones. Soon I hope I'll be able to express myself better, to fulfill myself creatively in a way that doesn't feel so dificult. I also need to find a way to draw again... I've really wanted to lately, though with how things are right now that hasn't been possible.