I sort of just woke up, so I really don't know how I feel right now. I couldn't write here earlier today because... Well... I had nothing to say before going to sleep. Too tired and too little actively happening. It still kind of feels that way. I've chatted with my niece a little bit, and messed around trying to work on my dice rollers, but otherwise it's been... uneventful. Dethy's mom calls like eight times a day or more but that's nothing new. My mom's been calling me cause I think she's having television withdrawals. And she's giving me conflicting messages as usual, since one minute she acts like she wants to talk to me, and the next minute she's back to hanging up on me like she always ends up doing. She did happen to mention that she was in the hospital for a couple days, because she thought she was having a heart attack... she found out she had a hole in her lung, letting air out where it shouldn't be, causing the pain in her chest. She wouldn't tell me anything else about the situation, but it's not as much of a shock as you would think, as she's been having lung surgeries since long before I was born. In fact she just so happened to find out she was pregnant with me after going in for a follow-up lung surgery, and of course she thought that the doctor was playing a joke on her.

Well here I am. I'm not happy, but I'm not really miserable either. Mostly I'm tired, and cold... and rather scared. If you must ask why, I can only say that the 12-month Tarot spread is still troubling me, even though it was done back in March. It's hard to understand any kind of reading about the future unless you have a genuine psychic available, and even more intimidating when it sounds as though it's only painting a picture of bad news. But I also need to remind myself that readings, whether from oracle cards or Tarot cards or a board or just whatever, are really only there to tell you what you need to hear, and not necessarily foretell the future, although Tarot cards do have a tendency to be good at that. But, in something as complicated as attempting to tell one's future, in finding out information about future situations or certain events it becomes too easy for us to interfere with these things ever even happening. Dealing with readings, especially about the future, are a complicated thing, and at times too hard to interpret, and even mind boggling. For one little example... had me and Dethy ever finished writing an assessment about a reading concerning the events of earlier this year, before they actually happened, then they probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, and then the reading would have been wrong... It was strange to think about this after we finally went back to it, and discovered how accurate it was.

I suppose there's a hidden reason for the Tarot cards to be telling me the things that they are for this year. And I bet that my lover's interpretations of them would probably be even different still, so it would be possible for it to give us both very different messages. So I don't know what to think. All I can do is try my best to keep pushing things along, to keep improving myself and my situation as much as I can, and know that whatever's supposed to happen will happen, without my having to stress about it. I can only choose my own actions, and to just try my best.

I do have one more unhappy note, though... I happened to just found out my dad might have prostate cancer. So.... Neither of my parents seem to be doing well this year. Life's been crazy and it never seems to want to stop. Whatever happens though I guess was meant to happen, I'll just pray for the best for them and know that everything will be okay in the end. I love both my parents dearly. Still, as it's my mother who can't seem to have a decent relationship with me, I would just hope that my dad will be able stay around for a while to keep in touch with me...

It started snowing sometime yesterday, and has been snowing today as well... Obviously too early in the year, thanks to global warming making the weather increasingly confused over the past several years... But I guess this means winter is here whether we like it or not and we'll just have to deal with it accordingly. Yes, it's freezing in the home and we don't have a good heating system. So here I am bundled up in warm clothing, indoors, with my comforter blanket, and a kitty to top it off. Now after I'm done with this entry I just have to find something good to do to keep my spirits up. It's not the weather that gets me down, though, it's really just everything else... Not to mention that, whether it's snowing or not, I already feel too cold much of the time, simply because I suffer from various blood problems... Especially when I'm hungry, exhausted, or both.

So. I don't feel the words flowing well today at all, either. Writing isn't working out for me now. I just don't want to sit here feeling alone and exhausted with nothing to do on my own. Maybe if my body weren't so miserably cold, tired and weak, I'd go conduct some much needed card readings for myself, or something else positive and constructive. I wish I had some happy or uplifting information to share, but I don't. I'm drained and lonely, I just feel like I'm sinking.

I don't want today to become another miserable obstacle. I do feel like there's a big emotional weight on me and no one is there to help. I get the feeling that a moon wobble is just further oppressing me. I don't know. I'm not sure what else there is to say. I need a fireplace...

My lover... I just love you...
Please don't forget.

Think instead.