I'm here because I need to use my journals properly now. In the way that they were intended, meaning being honest and free, letting myself write thoughts and feelings and just anything without having to pick it apart with my usually rampant habits of perfectionism and being over-critical of myself and my works. It means writing the things I'm thinking and feeling, letting them flow, to always have to share them with myself and my twin flame, and not have to worry about it for any reason. Because whether or not anyone else should ever even happen to read these words, that shouldn't even matter.

Also, I can't let myself be crushed under the weight of the pressure to always have to sound profound, or even intelligent. I can write these thoughts in any manner, with confusing jibberish, big words or small words, it shouldn't make a single difference, as long as the same meaning is there. To show a certain meaning and intent in a subject, or otherwise just communicate, is the whole point of ever using words at all, whether verbally or in writing.

I've been thinking about a lot of things, but I suppose that's nothing new. The only thing that's new are the subjects of my thought. If I ever happen to remember dreams anymore, they're very strange and new as well. Having story characters or even my lover  present in a dream is something that used to be unheard of. It was rare at best. I think this is mainly because my sub-conscious mind has only been expressing my loneliness, in that my feeling alone all the time, my dreams will reflect this and I will literally be all alone... with the exception of having strangers or family members present to abuse me (as they usually do in both the dreamworld and the real world).

I don't have a whole lot to say about my recent dreams, except that it's refreshing to have my lover be with me in a dream once in a while, rather than never, as well as my story characters. The past several dreams I have been able to remember, at least one of my story characters has been there.

About the dreams. I did dream about my kitty baby Flickerwind who happened to be smaller and trying to sleep in my shirt again like she used to when she was a small kitten. Emoroth found his way into a dream with a silly Sailor Moon theme, which I guess kinda figures since he's a traveller who shows up wherever and whenever he pleases anyways. Kereon showed up after something of a mix between my storyworld and the Lord of the Rings universe, with myself speaking elvish AKA "Elyndellish", saving middle-earth by destroying the ring, and then for some unknown reason giving Kereon pajamas. This was mostly only weird to me because Kereon only ever wears vests otherwise. But the pajamas were cute nonetheless. Then, finally, last night it just so happened that a bunch of characters wanted an appearance, along with myself and my sisters. Ruvean, Farameth, Krey, Curek, and even Neria, along with two unknown people, wanted their presence to be known as we stayed at some sort of large hotel... with snow on the floor. Strange? Yes, but my dreams have only very rarely ever NOT been weird as hell. Also, I've had a lot of dreams with stramge languages and subtitles in the past, and they are awesomesauce.

I've been reading my Dethy's blog again, which I actually tend to do a lot, and not just to read something that's been updated, but to go over the entire thing again every once in a while. I do like to revisit memories and other old things, multiple times. My point in going back to old things is that, each time you experience something again, it is often done in a different frame of mind and therefore something new can always be learned from something old, no matter how many times it has been revisited. This is especially true in something as special as a journal and the journey of trying to understand oneself and others. Since I have a great scope of understanding for myself, I often tend to have a better understanding of people than they have had for themselves too, simply because they did not love themselves enough to invest that time on getting to know who they really are. The meaning of love becomes forgotten or otherwise confused with ego which unfortunately replaces it.

I guess I've been thinking about the past two plus years, as well as many other memories, particularly parts of my childhood that came back from the depths of a deep repression caused by trauma, and were otherwise awakened by the events of last month... mainly paperwork collected for my Social Security Hearing. This is not a bad thing unless I let it affect me negatively. On the contrary, it has been just one other good learning experience as of late, because I am remembering the hidden parts of myself that deserve recognition every bit as much as the rest of me. These parts of myself have been utterly abused, misunderstood and hated in the past, not by myself, but thanks to the ignorance of humanity. But no more. Even if the rest of the world were to hate me for this or any other reason, it doesn't have to affect me or my life anymore. I can come to terms with this, to never forget, and truly love myself (that means loving every part of me, even if it's something that hasn't been good for me in the past, love is the only way to heal and grow). It is also important to never forget any memory, whether a good experience or bad, because every memory can be built upon and learnt from, in order to build a happier, and wiser, future.

This is important in recalling my particular unpleasant memories. I can't change them, repress them, deny them, or even mourn over them, because any of these things is harmful to oneself, and in the process, hurtful to others. I can only accept them, come to terms with what has happened, learn from them, to be at peace with the situation and move on in learning and loving myself. These personal memories and experiences I have been sorting through lately, are relevant enough to have quite an impact on my storyworld as well. I have been considering some drastic changes as of late, and in changing these factors of my storyworld and characters, it would be much more respectful to myself, in being honest with who I really am. The continuance of a certain role-play in the near future would be great as well.

It should not necessary to explain much more other than to simlpy state that I am also a wolf incarnate, among other things. This is a simple fact and I will not let an abusive history get in the way of who I have always been. It is true that it's still painful to even mention this very thing, or to recall upon the memories, but I need not delve into this subject much further on this blog unless I am doing so in a healthy way with my twin flame. I did have a couple healing dreams with wolves in this past year, and that makes me happy. Maybe someday I will have an article or some sort of thread to discuss this topic with my lover as a way of venting in writing. I also want to be able to talk about the changes I've considered for my story.

So, with that said and done, I move on. I've looked back on many unfinished projects and other ventures of the past, too, because I've wanted to pick up on some of these again. As usual, games have still been a common outlet for boredom and just my own personal way (or one of the ways) of nurturing my inner child. I've had some fun with Super Nintendo games, including Harvest Moon, which I would still be playing if not for the enormous chore it has become to take care of the livestock, mainly because of all the dizzying lag in the barn thanks to the flaws in the game's old programming. It's still a fun game, but I can't quite handle that problem when I'm on my cycle or otherwise sick, espeially both. It's hard on my eyes and my already present headache.

Ragnarok has been okay, but the internet seems to be too uncooperative most times for me and my lover to really play it. Otherwise I've gone back to working on my Kirby Board Game, but who knows how far I'll actually ever get to finishing it. It sure would be an awesome game though, and great fun to play with my lover, as well as my best friend and niece, or anyone else who wants to try out my crazy creations of boredom... such as my strategy version of the Sorry board game, or my improved (still-improving) version of Life.

With games aside, I've been thinking of the role-plays that my lover and I have done, on and off through the past year or so. I want to role-play again soon, or at least as soon as I can, because I want to feel more rested and capable first. It's hard to do much of anything being sick. And yes, I have been sick for a while, which doesn't seem to want to stop anytime very soon. My physical body is miserable, but it doesn't mean that I am, although being sick does usually make it very hard to be happy, or anything above just "okay". Which, I guess I'm okay.

I also remembered how my Dethy and I had made surveys for each other, to fill out and share with each other privately. That had to be more than one-and-a-half years ago. We both finished creating the surveys, and my wonderful Dethy finished filling out mine, but considering the emotional hardships of that time, I never finished answering his. I have so badly wanted to finish it, but so much has been in the way. It was perhaps half way finished, or close to that, and it being a long survey with long answers, it was a lot of work, but it was also a great thing to do. Whenever I am feeling decent enough to work on it again, I want to do so, and to finally finish it. I owe it to myself as well as to my lover. Considering the big time-gap and changes between now and then, though, I'm going to have to update my answers, while at the same time keeping my old ones, because erasing them would only feel like I'm erasing the past. And why would I ever want to erase a memory? It would be like trying to erase a part of myself... which I've learned is something that cannot and should not be done.

So much has happaned already in the past two years, yet at the same time, the months go by and time only ever pushes onward, sometimes seeming to pass mercilessly as I find that a day has gone by without me, feeling unbelievably exhausted and utterly unaccomplished. I can't let myself feel bad about it though, whether or not I have done something that I had set out to do. There's only so much time in life with too much to do, there's no way that it could be done. But I suppose that's what reincarnation is for. Obviously, though, life isn't everything. I can only try my best to do what I came here to do, to love and be loved, to spread love, and after that I will have eternity to do anything. And I will be happy with my twin flame... because I know whoever happens to pass into the next world first will still be there for the other to the very end. Love is a power that will never die and can do anything.

I can't think of anything else to mention... and I guess that's a perfectly great note to end on anyway. My Dethy, I love you more than anything, and I will be trying to update here as often as possible, as well as finishing your survey. With love. For us.

I loved your survey to death so I would hope I can give you something nice to enjoy as well...

Happy Winter, my masterslave. Lol.