I think I know of the main reasons why it has become impossible for me to keep a daily journal. First my problem is that I cannot handle expectations and demands. Second, is that when I am writing in my blog, it feels like I am writing a letter or an essay, or in other words, that I am doing it for somebody else. That it has become work for me, and how could I possibly be myself or even be honest if I am writing a journal as though it were for someone who knows nothing about me. How can I be myself then? I can't sit here trying to explain every complicated detail of myself or why something is the way it is and why I feel one way or another, when it should otherwise be obvious. Writing in a journal should never be a chore, it is supposed to be a healthy outlet.

I have to write in my journal for myself. My blogs were meant that way, yet only partially, because I couldn't shake the fear of being misunderstood or judged in some way. I can't get around misunderstandings, especially from people who do not truly know me, and so I cannot worry about it, especailly in something as personal as a journal. A journal is intended to be private and personal, and since a blog is virtually the same thing, it should also be treated as such, despite being available on the internet. Whether or not anyone is even going to be seeing it, it should not matter at all. For this blog at least, I should be writing for myself. I can't prevent judgments or misunderstandings anymore than I can hold the sky, simply because these things are in the hands of the other people from whom the judgment is coming from.

It is still unbelievably difficult, though, to be myself and treat this as I would treat a personal journal. I shouldn't hide myself, but I can't help it. The rest of the world has already tortured me and tried to destroy me for being honest and true to who I really am. I can't let abuse affect my actions even if it affects my emotions.  My emotions should not and cannot be ignored, but they can be accepted and dealt with in healthier ways. I am here because I need to find a way to deal with my severe social phobias and other emotional sensitivites that keep me utterly paralyzed and unable to do even the simplest things. I think this starts here, with my journal keeping. The important thing is to let the words flow and to let go of the perfectionistic habits that are only having negative effects on me and my ability to write. This is important for both journal-keeping and story writing.

As I have mentioned before, even my dreams are affected if I am not writing in a journal or otherwise properly venting or expressing myself. Sometimes I don't even sleep deep enough to dream, and sometimes nightmares recurr. My lucid dreams, which used to be often, would be absent or scarce, and when the lucid dreams occur, they are often utterly uncontrollable. If I lose control of my emotions and my mind, I lose control of my dreams, which to me, is a horrific thing. Dreams, for me, have been the best experiences to be had in life, and I will not let go of that.

This year has been hellish, but I suppose that's not extremely different from all the years before, except for the fact that I haven't been able to hide in a dream anymore. If I am to have escapism and feel peace, I can only do this with my twin flame, since he is my most important dream to begin with. There are so many problems in our lives, it can be truly overwhelming much of the time. But as they must be dealt with, we can't hole ourselves up trying to forget about the things that make us sad or stressed out, we can't do things in such a way that we bottle our emotions, or encouraging the cycle of trying forget the things that have happened and the things that we must do. If we're doing that, then we're also encouraging ourselves to forget the things that we have learned, or to simply not allow ourselves to learn at all. That is also why I am here, writing this.

I have never felt like I was any good with words, and my perfectionistic habits along with social dysfunction make it difficult to do much of anything when it comes to truly expressing myself and being honest. But I feel that it is my time to change this, to let myself be free. Only in spiritual freedom can I be happy. I deserve love and happiness, just as anyone does. Anything I could ever need or want should not be shamed or dismissed, even if it can't be met. Because as my twin flame has continued to tell me, there is nothing wrong with having needs. Everyone has the same important needs anyway, and that is to be truly loved and nurtured. Everyone needs to be cared for, to have support and to feel confidence in themselves, so that they don't have to hide in the destructive patterns of egotism, hurting others and themselves. Love is the most important force in existence, and we are all in need of it. This means that every person is also naturally good, because their soul is made up of this force. The problem is that, in a society such as this one, spirituality is unknown and unwanted, and people only continue to abuse themselves and others, depriving themselves of this most important need. Humanity is simply procrastinating with the process of growth and learning that we are here to do. Otherwise the world would already be in the age of peace and we would all allow ourselves to be rational and sensitive rather than completely illogical and utterly insensitive.

Okay. Well. I've been on my evil cycle of pain so I'm woozy from blood loss and pain killer, not to mention the fact that spices in my food are making my throat and my skin burn, so I should probably wrap this up. I mainly just wanted to highlight some points of importance, and to remind myself that I can keep a daily journal if I want to. Anything can be done if one only wants it enough.

I will also be trying to lighten up and allow myself to be the playful person I am at heart, even in my journal, and to write about the silly things I do and love, without having to let myself be chained down by fear of judgment. I can vent about anything and everything, no matter how unimportant or even superficial it might seem at times. Anyone who has a problem with what I say or do, or even who I am... THAT PROBLEM IS THEIR PROBLEM, AND NOT MINE.

I am who I am. I am love. I love, and am loved.

And so it is.