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Welcome to Spiritual Freedom
Hi.
I am known as Taelle, or Mistress.
If you don't already know me, then this site probably isn't for you. This is one of my journals, also known as a blog. I initially created this site because I want to be totally honest with myself and revive the good habit of keeping a journal. I want to be free to express myself, spiritually and otherwise.
So here I am, and here it is: My blog of Spiritual Freedom.
Things About Me
Evidently I am indigo and crystal soul. I am a very evolved and seasoned soul who often feels homesick, since Earth is not my true home. In relation to the earth angel realms I am many things. I consider myself a wolf, sorceress, elemental, angel, mermaid and starsoul. I am romantic and sensual. I am secretive, mysterious, more than shy of socializing but playful and creative. I am extremely sensitive... I have a residual anger towards humans but I will show them understanding and compassion anyway... even when they don't return it.
I have found my twin flame and I will always love him and be with him.
I love animals. I love wolves, kitties, dragons, dragonflies, unicorns, butterflies, and many other creatures. I love art, creativity, affection, fun and laughter. I love nature, rain and thunderstorms. I love water, and swimming. I am interested in astrology, astronomy, spirituality, oracle cards and various methods of divination. I love technology and magic. I love music. I also enjoy movies and games, especially computers and videogames. I love books and stories, and hope to finish writing my own. I love dreams and am largely fascinated by them... I love daydreams, fantasy, science fiction, and satire. I love learning.
My perspectives change constantly.
I love kirbies!
I don't endorse religion.
But I don't condemn those who do.
I simply believe in Spirituality,
Open-mindedness and Integrity,
Freedom of Expression,
Understanding and Acceptance,
And most of all, LOVE.
Love is of the greatest importance,
In the entire universe.
And I would unravel and die
Before my soul ever believes otherwise.
I love my family.
I love my twin flame.
I love my best friend,
who is also my family.
I always strive to love others,
Whether I know them or not.
And even those who hate me,
I cannot hate them back,
Because hate constricts growth.
And love can heal anything.
This love is unconditional.
Despite confusion and conflicts.
And so, I must also accept myself,
And try to love myself,
No matter what.
Love is all that truly matters.
And our world is immensely suffering from such lack of its use.
Ego is NOT an appropriate
substitute for Love.
Ego keeps us from being able to truly love ourselves and others.
Ego creates un-love, which will only create more aspects of un-love.
Ego keeps change from happening.
Ego endorses fear, ignorance, hate and greed.
The policy of "every man for himself" does not work.
People are still hurting each other.
Stop listening to the Ego!
So let's stop waiting.
Everyone needs and deserves Love.
Let's create Love!
The new age is now.
~ I Love You! ~
Feel free to leave comments,
Or messages on the tagboard
Which is located further down.
You can also send email to
iviandara@aim.com
Or instant message me
at Aim: The Taelle
or
at Yahoo: cylon_toox
If you are nice, or neutral,
then I won't bite.
However, please do not contact me if you intend to utilize insults, or otherwise have low opinion of me.
Due to note:
I am not a spawn of Satan
I am not misguided
I am not going to hell
I am not stupid
I am not naive
And I am not inferior,
nor superior,
to anyone else.
I am simply on my own path.
This is the way things are.
So please don't be ignorant.
I respect others as individuals.
And I would appreciate the same.
Please be conscientious,
as I too am a soul in need of love.
Otherwise...
Stop wasting your time with my blog.
Thank you.
~ Let's Be Free ~
If confused by the tagboard:
The bottom field is where your nickname or alias goes. The field above that is where you write your message, in order to add it to the existing messages in the largest field. The http:// field is optional, but it's there if you want to contribute an external link. Press the Submit button when you're done.
Have fun?
My iMood: 
My Lover's iMood: 
Best Friend's iMood: 
The section below, is at least somewhat an expression of who I am.
These are my thoughts on some of the things I believe and don't believe.
I am not preaching "right or wrongs" to anyone.
These are my personal opinions
as everyone is entitled to their own.
So please don't get defensive,
though I can't help it if you read it and are offended.
I Believe -
- In an obligation to Relax and have Fun.
- That laughter is a lighthearted necessity.
- That an uninhibited sense of humor is a refreshing form of enjoyment.
- That spontaneity is also very refreshing and enjoyable.
- That refusing to question authority is being disrespectful to yourself and your integrity.
- That love is real and beautiful.
- That human beings should love others as well as themselves.
- That everyone is worthy of love.
- That, with love, all things can grow.
- That love knows no bounds.
- That to view all things and situations with love, is a healing and peaceful way of life.
- That there is nothing wrong with making mistakes, as long as you are learning from them.
- That learning, in its various forms, is important, just as knowledge is power.
- That the "sub-conscious" is just another word for our soul.
- That, through this "sub-conscious", we can have access to endless knowledge, forgotten memories and other hidden power.
- That all living beings have souls... With the exception of the little earthly automatons, cells, bacteria, and etc.
- That earthly (or non-earthly) automatons, including insects, are living things of the earth that deserve respect, although they are not individual spirits.
- That when we refuse to acknowledge our feelings, use our minds and utilize intellect, we "humans" aren't acting any better than mindless drones. I'm sorry but it just reflects the behavior of a termite colony... Or a Zerg colony. ("LIVE FOR THE SWARM!")
- That humans are animals too. We are equal to other forms of life, not superior.
- That reincarnation exists, and that "past lives", "next lives" and "pre existences" have the same meaning.
- That reincarnation is about choice, and NEVER about punishment.
- That reincarnation has various purposes, including, but not limited to, spiritual growth, enjoyment and learning.
- We signed up for what we got... Every single time.
- That reincarnation is not limited to the human existence, as there are other forms of "intelligent life", and they are just as significant as we are.
- That Soul Mates exist; in that the actual definition of Soul Mates is, "Living Souls with whom we may have shared various pre-mortal and/or past-life experiences, and have previously agreed to meet once again."
- That there are many types of Soul Mates.
- That anyone, even relatives, or seeming "enemies", can be a type of Soul Mate to you.
- That Soul Mates are here to assist us in our own personal life's journey, and to help heal situations (both past and present), whether we consciously realize it or not.
- That man created "god" in the image of himself, and not the other way around.
- That angels exist, as they are simply spirits, but those which resonate of pure love, because that is the energy of what god is.
- That every living person has at least two guardian angels (or other spirit guides), who are always available to call upon for support.
- That many guides and angels have been with me throughout my entire life, and that I am never alone.
- That, because of the divine laws of Free Will, we are in control of our own destiny, and that is also why it is important to pray, and to give "permission" for our guides to "interfere" with our lives and give us assistance.
- That magic exists, because it is of the same definition as prayer, and any other higher powers that can create miracles through manifestation.
- That we can pray to call upon blessings, for our needs and desires to manifest.
- That, for blessings and manifestations to work properly, at least some small degree of belief is required. As long as there is belief and good intent, prayer can work for anyone.
- That, in order to receive those blessings, we must allow them to happen, and to accept them graciously, without endorsing feelings of guilt or unworthiness.
- That anyone and anything we encounter is giving us a chance learn something.
- That everyone has the hidden potential to unlock the secrets of claivoyance and to utilize psychic abilities.
- That, although there have been many fraudulent practices, lies, and abuse in the subject of psychic power, there are also valid Clairvoyants and Psychic people, throughout history.
- That true Psychics, far more often than not, are truly very warm and loving people who desire to help others. They just have to make a living for themselves, too.
- That divination and psychic abilities exist, and are not limited to predicting the future, but can give profound insight to any situation, as well as revealing hidden knowledge about the past, present, and oneself.
- That the world is entering a new phase right now, not necessarily ending. We are beginning a new age, vibrations are changing, and change is necessary and even inevitable. Besides, there is truly no such thing as an ending without a new beginning.
- That our subconscious self (our souls) are ALREADY develloped, and all-knowing. We, as physical-based beings, simply struggle to tap into different levels consciousness.
- That we, our true soul forms, were made as a part of, and are one with, the ultimate divine source (God, Spirit, or whatever you want to call it). We are not separate, and we are not inferior, nor superior.
I Don't Believe -
- In the Bible, or any other "scriptures" or "gospels" of this world. They are written and changed by men. I cannot appreciate it when anyone takes the Bible seriously or literally. It is an untruthful, oppressive book of man, and it is not of God. However, that doesn't mean that we can't learn from it.
- In authoritarian Religion. Some people tend to find comfort in it, but I have also seen how much pain and problems it can cause. It's mainly just there to control and manipulate.
- In the practice of blind obedience.
- That Satan exists. (Unless he is a crazy mushroom! Lol, not really.)
- That killing, infliction of pain, or any acts of hate or violence, have EVER been endorsed by GOD. (Don't you remember the commandment, "Thou shalt not kill"?)
- That God could ever represent or personify anything that is contradictory of pure Love and Acceptance.
- That God would ever give us orders, especially through the word of man and his writing, and expect us to obey without question.
- That God could practice or endorse punishment, or ANY form of force at all.
- That discrimination against a person or living being is EVER justified. Differences should be embraced, not attacked!
- That there is any such thing as a "superior" gender, race, religion, or otherwise.
- That the traditional view of "Hell" could EVER exist. But I do believe, that sometimes there is hell in mortality, particularly when humans attempt to judge and punish each other. Yet in the afterlife, there is only "Hell" if we feel that we deserve to be judged and punished as well, and therefore we "condemn" ourselves by inflicting self-torture. But this ends when we realize that everyone deserves love and happiness... Including ourselves!
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
An earthbound soul
feels too alone
when far away from one's true home
Raped, broken
Scarred and bruised
Hard to be young
and so abused
A family life confuses respect
to blend control games with neglect
Where no one really knows you
or even cares
When you're inconvenient to their affairs
You're not whatever they want you to be
Because, you're you
yet can't be free
Though love is there, it's no excuse
for all the mind games and abuse
And I couldn't have asked for something more
than the hope I'd found those years before
Ridiculous though it may seem
Not in a book,
but on a screen
Something of a cosmic game
Fate led me to my twin flame
Something real,
though far away
to keep me going everyday
Pain and pleasure made its dance
between waking life and my romance
Dreams were wounded
Some hope remained
If nothing is learned,
Then nothing is gained
A dream can fade,
shatter and break
Fall apart and cause heartache
They may seem to be lost
or even forgotten
As life turned into something rotten
Tears will fall and hearts will bleed
For dreams are something that we need
Though things may fail or go awry
Those dreams are things that never die
Lonely life at seventeen
When all else failed
I had a dream
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Tuesday, September 21, 2010 at 08:29 pm. Please comment.
Permalink
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
(Some survey answers again, since I couldn't start anything from scratch.)
Daily Personal
1. How are you?
I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring that out just yet. I've been so tired lately, and I can't seem to get myself to do things, even though I want to. I think mainly that my health is trying to recover from the retrograde hell, but with the moon wobble going on, things are still confusing and erratic.
2. Do you remember any dreams? If so, what were they? How did they make you feel?
Weird nonsensical dreams, nothing very interesting. Something about weird mormon people, Fig attacking venomous snakes, being out places with my mom and sister Lisa, Thanksgiving, pies, going grocery shopping by myself and not having enough in my wallet. And just my subconscious being generally worried about menial tasks and money. But they're just subconscious blurbs I guess, I feel neutral and unconcerned with it.
3. What have you been up to?
Since my last entry... not much. I don't feel like I've done anything except for talk to Dethy and Dave, even though I've wanted to work on story stuff, roleplay, write a meaningful journal or just generally do something worthwhile. I've had a hard time getting myself to move, focus, think... being too unergetic and unmotivated. I want to change that.
4. Is there something unique about today?
I'm not sure. I'd like to think today is the day that I get a lot of good things done and feel very accomplished. But it's not worth making promises to myself, beyond pushing myself to write here. I do what I can. And I just want to make damned sure I don't forget any of the important things I've learned recently. I just have to figure out how to put them into words. I'm having plenty of trouble with words lately. But I'll break past that somehow. Writing in a journal is important, and helps in so many ways.
5. Do you have any plans?
Live life by the moment, not worrying about things. Just to do worthwhile things. Being generally introspective, pushing myself to do journal entries frequently, writing my thoughts and feelings, and helping Dethy, are my priorities right now. Dethy still really needs to stop hating life and other things, stop being negative, stop worrying about me, and stop feeling like he's a bad husband, especially because of something trivial like grocery shopping. Time is mundane, our emotional state is the most important thing. Honestly. Stop. Stop. Stop. No more worrying. I love you, I'm fine, because I'm not worrying, I'm doing what I think is good for me. Do something good for *you* now.
6. What's something that you would like to do?
I would like to be able to write in a journal. To do it freely, expressively, and efficiently, more like I used to, only better. If I had more physical energy, I would also like to clean the house, and pack things. I don't know if that's very realistic, but at least my mental energy seems good enough. Maybe later in the day my body will be less tired. I haven't been awake very long.
7. What's something that you would not like to do?
Worrying. Feeling sad or having things affect my emotional state in any negative and unnecessary way. It's time to be positive and manifest good things and happiness now.
8. Is anything bothering you?
Not really. I was bothered by Dethy's negative state, as well as Enel's self-blame and paranoid impressions of me, and our friendship. But I'm not worrying about it, or bothered now. I'm fine. I'm not going to let anything drag down my energies or emotions. I was only bothered by these things because they really have to stop. Dethy has been so easily overwhelmed, drained, sour, rigid, and worrying about things for a very long time. Enel needs to stop worrying and blaming herself, too. If we are all loving and open and try to be truly understanding of each other, then nothing else should matter. No more worrying in our lives. I'm settling for nothing less than my greatest dreams.
9. Is anything pleasing you?
This survey. The fact that I made something so good and introspective. And being able to fill out this survey now... even though I haven't seemed able to write a journal entry lately. Not from scratch. This survey seems a very healthy thing. I want to set a goal of eventually filling it out daily, even if only some of it, such as this Daily Personal section.
10. How are other people in your life doing?
Dethy is asleep right now. Last night he seemed to be feeling bad about himself, and worrying about me. Way too much. I don't want him to worry anymore, period. I can't let him do that to himself. It's causes this black hole of negative energy where we get mired in each other's problems, and feeling bad for the things that we can't do. I need to help him let go of his negativity, because his depression and overwhelmed feelings cause him to be sour towards everything. I can't do that either. We have to feel positive and hopeful towards life, people, and dreams. It's time to look at life through love's eyes, and have our dreams. We would not have left spiritual retirement for anything less.
I can't make too many assumptions about Enel, so I don't really know. I just hope that she is okay, and knows how much I love her, and that I only ever want our friendship to keep blossoming. I want to show her. Because she is always too hard on herself, and blames herself for things incessantly. I want that to stop. I want her to be happy, and have what she deserves, which is everything and more... much more than she often accepts for herself. I would never intentionally damage or throw away my friendship with Enel, because ours is an ever-lasting soul mate relationship, which I have always treasured. This is why talking about it has been difficult, especially because misunderstandings happen very easily in communication. And I would never, ever want to hurt Enel, or our relationship.
I've often sacrificed myself to try to help the people I love, and to prevent them from pain. But now I know that I have to make sure that I have my needs met, too. It's not about being selfish, it's about having balanced energies, life, and balanced relationships. Enel and Dethy need to work on this now as well. Take care of yourselves, and know that I love you and am here for you. Don't sacrifice yourself, no matter how good intended it is.
11. How have they been treating you?
They treat me very well. But they have inadvertently hurt themselves a lot, which has been painful to all of us... I intend to remind us how to shift our attitudes and lives, starting today. I don't want to worry.
12. Have you spent time with someone? What did you do?
Lately I've been online, talking with Dethy, as well as Dave. But that's the usual. Enel has been calling while I've been asleep. And I've talked to her in erratic bits the past couple days... I just don't want there to be misunderstandings, where it can be avoided. But I'm not going to fret over it.
13. Is there something you've wondered about recently?
I wonder what I can say, or write, to help the people in my life. I have problems expressing myself, but I'm working on it right now. Otherwise, I have wondered about moving again, and packing or getting rid of things around the house, but I am taking things in stride.
14. Is there something you've learned recently?
Many things, although putting them into perspective for others is the difficult part for me. I think the bottom line right now, is this: In life, worrying is one of the most harmful things to do.
Here are some other important lessons that I want us all to remember. In our lives, I'd think of it as an essential history lesson to look back on, or something like that. (My writings here ended up very long...)
1. "Stop worrying." Just don't do it. It's normal, but painful and unnecessary, so correct this when it happens. We should not even worry about each other, because even if it can show that we really care, worrying is what hurts us all the most. It also causes us to become jaded and negative, rather than fulfilling our full potential, preventing us from giving each other the love and joy that we all need and deserve. So... Don't worry about things. Stop it. I intend to repeat this however many times necessary, including to my own brain.
2. "Do what you can, not what you can't." Importantly, we can't take on each other's problems. Not emotionally. In life, we're given what we can handle. We can't have disproportionate energies and problems in our space, it weighs us down and it's so unnecessary. No matter how much we want to help each other, we can only do what we're able... and you should focus on what helps YOU. We all need to take care of ourselves in some way, managing the problems that we can handle, one step at a time. In the moment. We can still help each other with things, but, we can't help others if we can't help ourselves first... and we should never let our emotions get mired in each other's problems. In fact, don't let your emotions adhere to your own problems, either. The best way to solving any problem, is by having a healthy, emotional distance from it. Having distance is not the same as ignoring a problem. Do what you can to accomplish this peace of mind, and working towards finding a solution. Help when you can, don't when you can't. Again, don't worry. Worrying makes things worse.
3. Once again: "Be who you are, and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." In other words, those who don't respect you, especially when they prevent you from being true to yourself, should not have the privilege of infecting your space or your energy. Keep such abuse out of your thoughts and emotions, and when possible, out of your physical space. (This is why I no longer visit my family for the holidays. I cannot accept the cycles of abuse and superficiality anymore, because it stifles my true potential, and even our ability to show that we love each other.)
4. "Recognize abuse. Stop the abuse. There is no excuse." No matter what. In fact, abuse is often wielded, falsely, in the name of Love. This makes it worse. We can't let ourselves think that we are burdens, either. This is self-abuse, and it also accepts and perpetuates any external abuse that is given to us. Needs are needs. We need what we need, but we deserve even more. So much more. Essentially, we must have respect, love, and be true to ourselves. Anything else is abuse. Yes, it is abuse! Nobody deserves abuse, period. Simply no excuse. We are never less important, less significant, or inferior to someone else. Everyone has problems, and they are all important. Everyone is equal, everyone is on their own path, everyone needs love, everyone deserves love. This is a constant. "Find yourself, be yourself, love yourself. Have yourself, and only then can you truly give yourself, and your love, to others." Be free from all forms of abuse.
5. "Truth will always win; Love always wins." We simply can't let things like ego, hatred, and worrying to eat at our very being, because truly, that is pointless. I want us all to keep learning how to live life the way that it is intended, with the philosophy of Love. Because Love is always the truth, and it can heal anything. We can always grow to be more positive, open, confident, healthy and happy. Focusing on love sets us free. Worrying over things only continues the cycle of dragging us down, and in the end, making us sour towards ourselves and each other. Love yourself, and do what you can to take care of yourself. Look at the world through the eyes of Love. Dream, hope, and then go for it... regardless of what anything else tries to tell you. The other things are an illusion. Love and dreams are the true power to live life to the fullest.
6. "Don't forget: Think instead." and remember that "Everything happens for a reason." Do your best to remember everything. Don't push away memories, because those are life's lessons, and we can learn and grow from every single one of our experiences. Don't focus on how something hurts, but keep a healthy perspective, learn, and keep the lessons. Truly, we can learn from anything and everything, and be at peace with painful experiences, by gaining knowledge, and looking at it in different ways.
7. "Guilt creates more Pain, and therefore more Guilt." Don't indulge in guilt... don't accept guilty feelings for making mistakes, or for forgetting something. It's too easy to feel bad for these things, but simply know that it is normal. Getting mired in guilt or worry only contributes to more pain, or believing that you aren't worthy of something better. Being so focused on pain can make you miss all the highlights, and therefore inadvertently "dodge" blessings and other good things when they are there. Focus on learning from things instead. Make a note of them, and try again. And know that you are worthy.
8. The law of Divine Timing is that "Life gives us what we can take." We are all on our own path, and we are always more strong and powerful than we think we are. Divine timing makes sure to give us what we can handle, and what our soul can accept... We're given what we need, to learn the things which allow us to fulfill our potential. It's up to us to be receptive and perceptive. To notice things, to think, and learn from things.
9. "Stay disillusioned from pain; Don't let happiness pass you by." and "Live with Love, and know that you are Worthy." Pain is temporary. When we are truly ready, we can receive blessings, and all that's best for us, and be happy. Being ready is about being able to notice and accept a blessing when it happens. These blessings are often much more than we ever dreamed for ourselves, and as such, we need to feel worthy, to be ready to accept them into our space. We can't be ready if we're too busy feeling guilty or unworthy, or focusing on negatives. Ego, guilt, fear and hatred blinds us to the good that is possible. Let's do our best, focus on love, and feeling worthy. Because we are.
10. "Focus on positive, not on negative." Focus on dreams and desires, not on what you fear, or what hurts you. Focus on what you want, and not what you don't want. Appreciate what you do have, but aim for nothing less than love, happiness and fulfillment; your true dreams, needs and desires. This can be exceedingly difficult sometimes, but it is the power of positive manifestation. I believe this is the key to being happy. I'm doing my best to reach for this now, and so I won't let my energies be affected by what anything else says, even when it feels like the entire world is in opposition to my dreams.
11. "End the war: Stop fighting in it." Feeling that the world is rotten or at odds with us is another illusion. It is unnecessary, untrue, and it stifles us. Truth wins. People are people. So many of us are struggling incessantly just for an ounce of understanding and acceptance, a relief from the painful points in life. This can feel like a War. If you want to stop the war, then don't be a part of it anymore. We have to love and respect ourselves, and all forms of life; don't let yourself feel or believe that people (or life) are at war with you. Even if someone does seem to be in opposition, don't encourage it by trying to fight back. This contributes to the cycle. When we focus needlessly on this illusionary war, we feel the need to struggle and fight as well, which causes us to stagnate in resentment. We become defensive, rigid, sour, even hateful and harmful towards the people around us. Life is too sacred for these attitudes. Once again, Love will always win.
12. "Live in the moment." and "Do what you can, not what you can't." Contribute to healing things one very small step at a time, with what you are able. Don't wrestle with yourself, least of all with the world. Do your best. Every single action affects the future much more than we realize. You can therefore build a better future. But we can't incessantly focus on the future, or the past, because that's as bad as worrying. Simply do what you can, motivate yourself to improve, but give yourself the breaks that you need, and that you always deserve. Rest is just as important, as a part of daily life and healing. This is another part of living the philosophy of love. Working towards a Balance is also about being at Peace with the way things are in the present moment. Do what you can, when you can. Don't hurt yourself or others by struggling to do something when you can't.
15. What's your general mood or thoughts right now?
Whew. Yes, that was very long-winded, and could have been a journal entry in itself. So basically, right now, I feel pleased that this survey seems to be fulfilling its initial purpose so well. That is to say, when I'm having trouble with feeling like I can't write, this survey can draw out thoughts and feelings from me and therefore help with getting that ball rolling. I'm still having a lot of trouble functioning as well as I would like, but I feel otherwise happy and enlightened.
16. How is your health?
Right now, I'm still physically worn out, but my health is doable. I'm not satisfied with it, because my body keeps me from doing everything I want to do, but I refuse to consciously let it bother my emotions. And it feels more acceptable now that I've kicked up the atmosphere and functionality with breakfast and an energy drink. I should at least be able to temporarily subdue some of my usual problems that result from my having low blood sugar and chronic fatigue. I want to get things done.
Fulfillment
1. What's something you want? Explain.
To finish this survey. And to comment on other people's blogs after. I also want people to comment on my things, but I won't put expectations or demands on them. It's not like I'm going to let myself "spolode" or feel bad if I don't get comments, even if I have a bit of an obsession with them sometimes. I'm just weird. And I like being acknowledged.
2. Can this be fulfilled? How would it make you feel?
I think all of these things would generally make me feel better... because I like expressing myself, acknowledging people and showing them that I care, and getting the same from them. Whether they comment is up to them. And whether I do something or not depends on how much I want it... or rather, how motivated I am to push myself to actually do it.
3. What's something you need? Explain.
I need to somehow recover from feeling so tired and drained. I need good food. I need to be physically healthier, and to think and focus better. And to have my memory be better again. I need security, and a home that feels like home. I need space.
4. Can this be fulfilled? How would it make you feel?
I don't know how to feel much less drained... But at least sometimes monster energy can pick me up and give me the drive to accomplish things by pushing out of my comfort zone a little. Or expanding my comfort zone. Of course I would feel a hell of a lot better if I could just have energy and better physical health, and stop feeling exhausted all the time. Who wouldn't?
Having better food isn't really in my hands right now... especially since America has an obsession with foods that I'm allergic to (spices) or otherwise have a problem with. And it's particularly worse where I live, where my food options are so utterly and severely limited. But, I am being optimistic about reform in that problem... or that it should at the least improve somewhat, after I move away from this city. Because it's too hard to imagine it getting much better, over here, in apocalyptic ghetto land.
Well of course one step to being physically healthier, would be having better food, and eating more regularly. I tend to go hungry or be generally malnourished and sick a lot. But I have many other health problems. I would have to move to somewhere that accommodates my general health needs better. For many reasons, I need to leave this city, but I also want to leave Utah... and eventually, I would like to leave the country.
Hopefully writing in a journal frequently will help my emotions, my mind, my focus, and my memory. (It always seemed to help with those before. Therefore it helped my dreams too.) My memory was basically perfect in the past... I would like to think that it can be that way again. I would feel more like myself. Satisfied with my mind, and able to control my thoughts better. And be more likely to lucid dream, too... Lucid dreams made me happy.
In order for me to have security in my life, and a home that feels like home, I have to live somewhere with real privacy. This means having real space, metaphorically and physically... and a lot of it. I am extremely sensitive to people and energies in my space. This is just the way I am, and so I need a proper amount of space in order to have true balance in my interactions, energies, and my life in general. Without that balance, everyone else's presence weighs down on me constantly, making me less healthy in every aspect... everything about life becomes far more difficult, and I break down too easily. If I were able to have a large home that allows for true privacy, I would be free from those energies. I could do menial tasks again, and so much more. I would then also be able to feel and appreciate the time that I do spend with people. The list goes on and on.
If I had all these things, yes, I would be happier. I would be able to manage life much better, and grow to be healthier again. And with better health, I have the power to accomplish the things that I want.
For now, I am where I am. So I'll do what I can, when I can, to move towards meeting these needs. I won't settle for less. I won't give up on my dreams... because having dreams to hope for is actually my most important need.
What's one of the last...
1. Things you did?
Looked at blogs... and somewhat chatting to Dethy and Dave. I haven't been doing anything today besides trying to fill out this survey.
2. Things you thought about doing, but didn't?
Cleaning up the house... or doing anything that requires my body moving very much. I'm still hoping I'll be able to eventually.
3. Things you said?
Here's a snippet of our chat:
[08:30] DavePerkinsRocks: It looks like Enel surveyed today too
[08:31] The Taelle: Yeah.
[08:31] The Taelle: I haven't read it yet.
[08:31] The Taelle: Seems I have to read everyone's blogs after I do mine.
[08:32] The Dethy: lol.
[08:32] The Taelle: Maybe that'll make us a little even, since mine will probably be long as hell. z-o
4. Things you thought about saying, but didn't?
I don't remember. Probably something really drugged, like, "I love you Red." Oh, and saying "I love you" in my IM with Dave today, after he said "Morning." ....Because my mind is tired today, and that was the first thing that popped in my head... Lol.
5. Things said to you?
[08:33] DavePerkinsRocks: Well hell is pretty long.
6. Things you were in the mood to eat or drink?
I'm in the mood for some good cornbread right now, actually. Maybe I should get myself to make some cornbread later.
7. Things you ingested?
Water... I drink lots of water... so I pretty much just keep cold, pure water available every moment that I'm awake... since that's the only water I can drink. I've also had Monster Energy and some tater patties for breakfast, today.
8. Things you saw?
Dethy's blog... And um. A random picture of crosshairs. o-o I dunno.
9. Ambiences you heard?
I'm not sure, because I've had earphones on today. These apartments always have insane, confusing and unsettling ambiences though, I can tell you that much. The other night I kept being startled/woken up by very sudden and very loud banging, thudding, and car engine noises. Right now, I guess I can hear air from the cooler... Must be a quiet moment.
10. Music you heard or thought about?
It seems that I've been listening to Catherine Wheel, during most of this survey. Now the playlist is on Chicane.
11. Things that you were tempted to do?
Stare at RP logs, and old IM logs in general.
12. Things you accomplished?
Today, I've been being more honest with myself, and the people in my life especially. And making myself feel better.
13. Things that didn't work out?
Getting more sleep, or feeling less physically drained... but I intend to combat this tiredness by pushing myself to do things anyway. I'll feel better if I know that I've gotten something done or made some kind of progress.
14. Goals that you want to achieve?
To actually get this apartment all cleaned up, or at least in an acceptable condition, in time for my best friend to come over. Sorry Dethy, but it's true that you tend to make cleaning and organizing very difficult for me. Far more difficult than it should be. I really wish we had a robot to help with this. I guess that's one reason Red has Proto. :P ...Anyway, I don't want you to feel bad, or to worry about it. I just wanted to fix the problem, so of course I have to be honest with everything. I flourish best when my space stays clean and organized. Oh, and um. I want to spend nice time with Enel this weekend. And to just generally help her feel loved, understood, and supported. I'll do what I can.
Of course these aren't all of my goals, but they're the most prominent ones on my mind. After all, I'm trying to live life in the moment... focusing on too many goals at the same time is overwhelming.
Creative
1. What's something creative that you've done, discussed, daydreamed or thought about recently?
We've been focusing on Ravenous, one of Dethy's characters. I'm going to work on a female character soon, to be his soul mate, and to roleplay with him. Also, we discussed a dream that I'd had a while back. Yeah, it was strange to have suddenly dreamt about Ravenous, even though I hadn't thought of him in forever... but it was no coincidence, either.
2. Have there been any new thoughts, plots, characters or other developments?
Yes. Of course, this ties into my previous answer.
We learned that, in that dream with Ravenous, was a true analogy of our lives, and therefore some very important lessons. Essentially, this is what led me to emphasize "stop worrying", and to write such thought-provoking things today. Dethy had been cold for a very long time. It hurt me and made me cold as well. We need to stop being so jaded. Being so overwhelmed, rigid and bitter has prevented us from giving or receiving the love and healing that we need. We need to reclaim our hopeful, loving hearts, and our dreams. Ravenous is that sweet, romantic side of Dethy... a part that I haven't seen much of, for many years.
3. What's something, or someone, that you have trouble figuring out?
Mostly my problem right now is figuring out what to name Ravenous' girlfriend. But I intend to utilize this romantic side of myself, in a roleplay, sometime soon... when we're ready. And when I have her figured out better.
4. What's a character that you feel like, relate to, or analogize with, right now?
I've been a lot like Era / Erula Lazilus, for a long time now... even before she existed in my story. After all, she's based on parts of me. (She's still a very new character.) She has been abused and hurt, very much, very repeatedly. She needs to get over being rigid, and the fear of being hurt again. She needs to open up to love... so she can receive it, feel it, and to show love to others. She needs to trust the people who do love her. And to have more emotional distance from things... especially the things that she can't change. (In Era's life situation, the world almost literally *is* at war with her. But that's different. And I can't act like life is at war with me... I'll make peace with it, and reach for my dreams.)
However, I am getting past these issues. In fact, I feel that they are not an issue for me at all, today. So, I'm not actually in Era's spot right now, and there is no reason to worry. Right now, I am rather feeling like the character/part of me that fits with Ravenous. Romantic and hopeful. And I do feel like I can trust Dethy. I probably still need to work on having more hope in my future and other people in general, but I am already doing so, and much better than usual... by shifting my focus and perspective on things. I'll be fine. I shouldn't be bitter or hopeless anymore... because I'm in the process of reforging my dreams.
5. If you were in a story setting as that character right now, what would it be? Explain.
If I were Ravenous' girlfriend... I dunno.... Honestly, as I feel right now, it would probably be best, just being somewhere by myself, for the moment.... To just, have that space. So, I think I would just enjoy being able to relax, somewhere peaceful and pretty... out in the wilderness... in the rain... just generally being at peace with things, and with myself. And to just balance my energies, in that solitude... like I was better able to do, in the past.
6. What's a character (or characters) that you would like to spend time with? Explain.
As I said, I think I need solitude and space at the moment, more than anything. (But that doesn't mean that I don't want to see Enel this weekend. Because I do.)
7. What would you like to do? Through literal experience, roleplay, or either?
I want to fly. In every way possible. Even though, I think being able to fly in real life would be somewhat awkward and too attention-grabbing. Oh well... it would be fun, too. And I always loved my recurring dreams about flying.
8. What's a good story analogy for your life or problems right now?
My dream about Ravenous and Taelle, is the best analogy for our life now. I was already talking about this, so.... continuing from my answer on question two. (I don't remember many details of the dream, but... here goes.)
In the dream, Ravenous was on a date with Taelle. He had taken Taelle to some kind of huge party. Enel was there too. The first room of this building was gigantic, with tons of people... the place itself was generally like a tavern, but with more stuff.... music, a stage, theatre and other things... I guess more like what a Zarynth tavern is supposed to be like. (Audio and visual entertainments combined with a bar.) Anyway, shortly after watching some kind of jovial, uplifting play with Ravenous and Enel, Taelle had to take a moment to go do something... something like, helping to take care of a mess. During this, Ravenous got a call (he had a cell phone in the dream for some reason), from some mysterious, unknown caller. I'm not sure what was said. But Ravenous became depressed from this.
And so, Ravenous, feeling overwhelmed, suddenly snuck out of the building... leaving the party, without telling anyone he was leaving, or why.
Taelle returns... Can't find Ravenous... She eventually realizes that he is no longer there. (I guess Enel was still at the party, but was off doing something else, and so she wasn't able to be there for Taelle.) Obviously the fact that he suddenly left her there, and not knowing why, or if he was coming back, was very hurtful. So, she became depressed and overwhelmed as well. Instead of being able to leave, Taelle went into another room, to separate herself from the party that was no longer tolerable. (The room was like a small bar, and nobody was there.) Eventually a random woman comes in, and starts talking to Taelle who is crying; immediately sympathizing with her and offering to buy her drinks, even though she didn't know the situation. So then I suppose they started drinking.
And... yeah, that's pretty much all of the dream... since I don't remember anything else... and I must have woken up after that. Now to explain why this has proven to be a great analogy of our life and problems right now.
Ravenous represents a part of Dethy. The part that was always the most sweet, hopeful, romantic and emotionally supportive. The part of himself that still retains faith in life, people, and the future. The part of himself that was ready for a relationship. After all, he created Ravenous after he met me... in order to be with me.
Dethy and I had been online together for many years. But we had each other then, in a spiritual sense. We had our dreams. We still had hope for our future, and romance. That was why things were better, even when our outside circumstances were often very bad. Our external lives were abusive and painful, but we had each other, and the power of hope and dreams. The power of romance.
So basically, a few years ago, Ravenous really did leave me. Almost four years ago, actually. I haven't been able to have that part of my Dethy since he moved in with me... because he became even more overwhelmed by life's pain and abuse, and began to shut down. And gradually grew more sour towards life and people. He had always resented life for hurting us, but he was now treating it even more like a war. Just hating it more all the time.
I'm already easily overwhelmed by the energies of others, so I had to put up a spiritual "force field" to protect myself from these energies. Dethy was jaded and negative. Unable to show me what he always wanted to; that he loved me. He had just become overwhelmed by life's pain and abuse. In turn, it made me feel similarly hopeless as well. I felt like I had died... like I had lost my lover, which was my greatest dream. And because I kept getting hurt, I grew more rigid as well. My ability to trust things dwindled, especially for my own future. I lost my dreams. Important parts of myself, such as my memory, had diminished because of it.
Yes... Ravenous left me at the party.... except that the party is Utah. And it is not beneficial or healthy to be at this party anymore.
I assume the random woman is actually Dave... Lol... since, he is the friend that's been around to support us lately. A very weird analogy, but, I think if that woman was anyone, that's who she would be.. o-o ...::Shrug.:: Dreams are random. And gender doesn't mean much to me as it is.
And... Enel is still there... but, she has her own life and things going on. We can't carry each other's burdens. Or treat ourselves like are burdens. But it's up to us, to decide what we're doing at this party, how we're treating ourselves, and how we're interacting with each other. And when I do leave this damnable party, I still have to deal with one hell of a "hangover". Because, I guess the reason Taelle is staying here, is because she has no real way out until Ravenous comes back to help her.
The impending hangover represents my declined health. And I need help to recover from the past few years. But I will help us both to remember that things can be good again. We have to remember and hold onto dreams... to have each other, in the blissful romance that always gave us the will to survive and subsist. Things have just been severe for all of us.
So what do we do from here?
Firstly, I need Ravenous to come back to me. I want to help him do so, and make it easier for both of us, in whatever way possible. We can't keep worrying, and being sour about life. We have to view life through love's eyes. Through the eyes of romance. We have to dream. And live in the moment, doing what we can. I want to be my old self again, too... and to let my Dethy know, that despite how much I've been hurt, and how repeatedly, that I can't hold resentment... that I can forgive and heal... as long as I know that I have my Ravenous again... and that he'll be here to stay. In being loving, open and honest with each other, I can trust him with everything, in every way. And we can be receptive to all the love we have. And to share that love.
And then we will leave this party.
Impersonal
1. How is the weather?
It's a hot day. The sky outside looks... normal. Which is a shock, actually. And I find that fact amusing. The sky here is usually grey, smog-ridden or generally apocalyptic looking. And no, it's not my imagination or outlook... e_e It's the sky actually being blue and having normal clouds for once... since that scarcely happens... Layton weather is just usually crappy, inconsistent and nonsensical. I wonder if my manifestation powers are at work...?
2. How is astrology?
I dunno. My weird daily igoogle horoscope says this:
"You may feel tempted to rush in where angels fear to tread today. Hold your fire, as the situation could well be a lot more complex than it seems. Freedom to express yourself may come high on your agenda, but don't take unnecessary risks. This is not the time to push through changes - or to give up on a project just because it bores you. If you hold your course, you will see real dividends."
Well. I'm not trying to rush things, because I'm not worrying. I'm just setting goals for what needs to be done. And I'm holding my course. With what I need, and what I can do. Anyway, I never take those daily horoscopes too seriously, because you have to be pretty objective about it... otherwise, taking them too literal can cause problems... obviously. o-o ...And... well, as Dave once put it... I'm something of an "astrology oracle", as it is. With the way that I sense things, like Moon Wobbles, without needing a source.
The bottom line is... My own intuition always guides me best. The problem is simply that I need to feel more confident, in trusting myself and my intuition. I've gotten a lot better in that area already, because I very rarely feel the desire to draw upon divination or other things for help anymore. This is because my intuition often already knows the answers. I just need to pay more attention to my own energies and spirit guides... in a more objective manner... and to fully trust them.
Conclusion
1. What's on your mind?
I sure ended up with a lot of long winded rants in here. But I think that is very good... since it's basically everything that I wanted to get off my chest, and to have these things written, to remember. Um. Well... now I just feel like going and working on Ravenous' girlfriend. In fact I just came up with a good name... and other ideas... Maybe I'll write about it in my blog, some other time.
2. How do you feel?
My physical body is still sore and exhausted, and my mind is tired too, but my emotions are very good. Uplifted. Accomplished. I feel a lot better now. I just wonder if I'll be able to fit all this into one blog entry... lol.
3. Timestamp: 2:23 PM, 6/16/2010
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 02:23 pm. Please comment.
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Saturday, June 12, 2010
I made a Journal-style Survey.
My Journal Survey that I made today. This should be a good tool for my venting needs, a conversation starter, blogging or personal journaling. And if I can get into the habit, even on a daily basis.
Daily Personal
1. How are you?
Better in general, though sleep deprived. My body is exhausted and a bit sick, my mind is a bit clouded but awake and active, and my emotions are mixed and strange but better than they have been lately.
2. Do you remember any dreams? If so, what were they? How did they make you feel?
I dreamt a hell of a lot, but I can't remember much in a clear way. Some of the dream was creepy, most of the dream was neutral. At least one dream was sexy, I guess. I feel largely neutral about those dreams.
One part of the dream was like watching some kind of nonsensical sci-fi horror movie... with role reversals. There was this scary mutated corpse person with no head that would go around murdering robots and cyborgs and people with machine parts. This... made me feel bad for the robot people.
In another part of the dream, it was like I had to 'change Dethy's batteries', and give him new eyeballs. After he woke up, I said something like, "Are you okay?" He responded like, "I think so." ...And then, "...Who are you again?"
Later on, I'd also dreamt about being a lonely old woman. But I don't remember that one in a way to write about it.
3. What have you been up to?
I just finished making this survey today. I hope that it helps me keep a daily journal or something. I don't feel like I've done anything today, besides chat with friends. Oh, and finally tidying up my mess of a computer. I organized a lot of stuff, deleted stuff, and defragmented twice. I'm glad that I magically got a good 13 gigs of free space back onto this thing's internal drive. I hope this monster of a computer will run faster and smoother from now on.
4. Is there something unique about today?
The retrograde hell has ended, so energies have shifted. I woke up feeling like I woke up to last December. This is a good thing. However, it's been so cold today, that it suddenly felt like winter, too.
5. Do you have any plans?
Not really. I'm just trying to relax, and let my body recover... but also get something productive done. So, here I am, filling out this introspective survey, which I just made.
6. What's something that you would like to do?
Gain magical powers, reform my health, and my life. I dunno. I don't much feel like doing much other than writing, but it's been too difficult to do so. But... that's basically the point of my making this survey.
7. What's something that you would not like to do?
Worrying about asshole apartment management, bills, family and other problems. I would not like to be cleaning this crappy apartment, either... but I do want it to be clean and organized. I just want energy and good health, and a real home.
8. Is anything bothering you?
My stomach, and my body and health in general. Other than that, I think I'm feeling okay.
9. Is anything pleasing you?
That emotions and energies have shifted to a more agreeable position for me today. And the fact that, despite my problems and lack of sleep, I was able to make this survey... and that I can fill it out.
10. How are other people in your life doing?
Enel is happy because her wedding got canceled. Wedding plans were causing her too much stress, and people hurting her too much.
Dave built a new computer...?
Dethy seems to be dizzy and not feeling well. It only worries me because I love him more than anything.
11. How have they been treating you?
I guess I've been treated well. I don't have many thoughts on that now.
12. Have you spent time with someone? What did you do?
I cuddled with Dethy for a bit after we woke up. I talked to Enel on the phone, and online. I'm currently in a chat with Dethy and Dave, which is something we've been doing for a long time now. Something that I'm glad about.
13. Is there something you've wondered about recently?
Hummmm. I wonder if Zeleir's blood is in Zeres?
14. Is there something you've learned recently?
Enel moving out and leaving me by myself at the Bountiful Condo had hurt me a lot more long-term than I thought.
15. What's your general mood or thoughts right now?
I wonder why listening to music feels less harmonious than usual today. I dunno. I feel kinda bizarre... mostly neutral and clouded. I wish I could think better.
16. How is your health?
Liveable, but consistently unpleasant and bothersome. My stomach being angry, and lack of good food, is a main problem right now.
Fulfillment
1. What's something you want? Explain.
I want to stop feeling sick. I want to have more clarity, and good physical health and energy, and the general ability to do things.
2. Can this be fulfilled? How would it make you feel?
I sure hope so, but I imagine it won't get a hell of a lot better until I live somewhere else. Somewhere that I can have my actual needs met, and a way to correct health problems. I just need to feel healthy and happy.
3. What's something you need? Explain.
Same as what I want. My needs and wants are intertwined right now, since I'm not focused on desires that aren't necessities.
4. Can this be fulfilled? How would it make you feel?
Read the above answer.
Random Perspective
1. Something that you like:
Um... Music.
2. Something that you dislike:
Sexism.
3. Something that makes you hurt or sad:
Too many things, since I'm hypsersensitive, including to energies.
4. Something that makes you anxious, disturbed or scared:
People knocking on the door or ringing the doorbell, especially when I'm trying to sleep. It makes me feel close to having a heart attack sometimes.
5. Something that makes you upset or angry:
I don't think I feel anger today.
6. Something that makes you glad or happy:
That my twinflame and I have grown so much closer together through all these hardships this year. And that we can be more honest with each other.
7. Something that makes you amused or want to laugh:
Game glitches. Like headless zombies from Resident Evil 4, when they absolutely refuse to die. And when they strangle Leon, or even carry Ashley away.
8. Something that entertains or occupies you:
Dethy. And Dave.
9. Something that bores you, or disinterests you:
Hardly anything disinterests me, so I don't know. It's more about what I have a distaste for, or what makes me uncomfortable. I dunno... People who talk about Sonic. z-z
10. Something that intrigues or interests you:
Astrology.
11. Something that you understand:
What differentiates a horror genre from something else. Apparently most people really don't get that. Let alone the point of them, or what makes something like that good.
12. Something that confuses you:
How can I help someone who's rigid and stifled? Someone who seems like they don't have or know themselves. I guess I can't really... at least not until they're ready for it.
13. Something that you're in the mood to see:
This apartment being super clean and organized. No, on second thought, I don't want to see this apartment at all.... I want to see myself and Dethy living in a great big beautiful home. With Enel. And at least two kitties.
14. Something that you're in the mood to hear:
I'd like to hear myself saying, "Thank god that the worst is over. We're finally moving." But of course this doesn't mean anything if it isn't true.
15. Something that you're in the mood to taste, smell or touch:
I'd like to smell some fresh air, instead of the stagnant poison of Layton.
16. Something that you're in the mood to do:
Lay down? I dunno, I don't feel so well. I don't feel like doing anything.
17. Something you did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel bad:
I feel bad about things I do all the time... I only feel like I have to apologize about practically everything. Even my thoughts. So, I don't know. I feel bad about blurting anything to make me seem self-centered or stupid.
18. Something somebody else did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel bad:
I don't know. Dave making vague statements.
19. Something you did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel good:
Being able to organize and fix things on my computer today made me feel pretty good.
20. Something somebody else did, experienced, said or caused that made you feel good:
Enel being happy and cheerful and pleasant to talk to. Her canceling her wedding seemed a good choice too.
21. Something that you would like to show someone:
This quote, which is apparently by Dr Suess. Because it's a keeper.
" Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind. "
22. Something that you don't want someone to see:
This depressing apartment. I don't want anyone to be exposed to my scaryness either.
What's one of the last...
1. Things you did?
Checked my retarded DeviantArt page for new messages. I'm still not sure why. And trying to use or browse DeviantArt is too frustrating, and they always make the site shittier... so I never seem to stick with using it for longer than an hour once every couple months or more.
2. Things you thought about doing, but didn't?
Roleplaying. Or writing story stuff. I've wanted to, but I just haven't felt able, today.
3. Things you said?
Talking about Dethy's character, Ravenous. Because... being a mirelithe thelozend hybrid and cyborg, and having a mechanical tail that can connect to technology, is cute and cool.
4. Things you thought about saying, but didn't?
I don't remember. I get that all the time though. I do know that I've with-held saying things regarding the way Alex makes me feel.
5. Things said to you?
Dave has to copy 5,535 music files. Might take a while.. o-o
6. Things you were in the mood to eat or drink?
Earlier, my body was very randomly like, "I want Arby's roast beef".
7. Things you ingested?
Tuna helper. Water.
8. Things you saw?
Resident Evil 4 clips. Krauser fighting himself, and Ashley doing extreme and glitchy stunts that Leon usually does.
9. Ambiances you heard?
Neighbor doors slamming. And very loud cars outside. This apartment sucks.
10. Music you heard or thought about?
Castlevania music.
11. Things that you were tempted to do?
Eat too much too fast... because I don't have snacks right now, which I really need, to help my low blood sugar and other problems.
12. Things you accomplished?
Tidying computer stuff, and making this survey.
13. Things that didn't work out?
Enel kept wanting to come over this weekend. It's just not a good time.
14. Goals that you want to achieve?
Finishing filling out this survey, which hopefully will not take much longer.
Creative
1. What's something that you've done, discussed or thought about recently, storywise?
Dethy's character Temujin is being brought back as an Avitek project named Zeres. I also talked with Enel today about stuff. Mostly Erula Lazilus, Resker, Mersi, and Traid.
2. Have there been any new thoughts, plots, characters or other developments?
Lots of those, including the one mentioned above. Mostly all of the "Deadly Sins" projects. Probably the newest devellopments are connecting Zeres' story to Zeleir's, figuring out what Erasmus is like as a Taora and ex-slave.... and um... Resker having saved and influenced other people as well as Erula. So there's a lot of devellopment going on at once. In fact I've been trying to devellop about 34 new characters during the past few days.
3. What's something, or someone, that you have trouble figuring out?
I'm not sure. I guess it's hard to really tell what Kenjid is like. I need to figure him out better.
4. What's a character that you feel like, relate to, or analogize with, right now?
Right now... I'm not sure. Today I just seem to feel more temperate and grounded, introspective, yet clouded and neutral. Also sleep deprived. I suppose somebody who is very neutral, composed, unergetic and a little numb and depleted. Krystk?
5. If you were in a story setting as that character right now, what would it be? Explain.
If I were Krystk right now, I'd probably be sitting by myself, out in the wilderness somewhere. Feeling very worn out and reclusive. Maybe fall asleep while lounging on a tree branch.
6. What's a character (or characters) that you would like to spend time with? Explain.
I'd like to relax and cuddle with Ravendeth. Of course this is unrelated to me being Krystk, because that just plain doesn't make sense. o-o
7. What would you like to do? Through literal experience, roleplay, or either?
Cuddle and fall asleep in Ravendeth's arms, probably. Roleplay or reality.
8. What's a good story analogy for your life or problems right now?
I was feeling a lot like Erula Lazilus lately. But right now, I don't know. My feeling a bit like Krystk, like I talked about above, is probably the best answer I can give at the moment.
Impersonal
1. How is the weather?
Weather has been extremely erratic lately. It felt like winter this morning, I've even had to have the heater on today. I imagine it's been rainy again... still sounds like it.
2. How is astrology?
A lot better than it has been, especially because the Mars retrograde finally shifted. And it's a new moon today. And probably a moon wobble in a water sign.
Censored Section (Very Personal: Erotic Venting and Fulfillment)
Conclusion
1. What's on your mind?
I dunno. I hurt.
2. How do you feel?
Like I do stupid things sometimes.
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Saturday, June 12, 2010 at 06:49 pm. Please comment.
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Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Once said a lost dream; Please don't give up on me.
Later, it turns out, is once again a year later.
So what can I say right now...?
Biggest thing on my mind at the moment? I need my life in my own damn hands. I need to get the hell away from the suffocating and abusive relationships otherwise referred to as a family. If I'd had the choice, it would have already happened five years ago. And there's still no way out as of yet. No freedom. No life. So now what?
I want those five damnable years of my life back.
Do I just resign because I've lost that time? No. But consequences remain, being that I've lost significant parts of myself. My health in mind and in body, a once perfect focus and memory, and most importantly, my dreams.
I wonder how much more time must pass before I regain myself, and still I do not have the faith to fully dream again. But can I pick up the fragments of my dreams, and piece together something bigger? Something even better?
My thoughts sometimes tell me I can't, and also my heart weeps in the absence of hope. But somewhere in my soul is that drive to keep trying, because it says I can have anything if I want it enough. It also gently says not to listen to the parts of me that say I can't; the same parts that give in to unnecessary reactions such as hatred and prejudice. The core essence of myself is not an ego, but rather, the unseen yet beautiful flare of heaven. That divine spark of love; The desire to give love, be loved, and grow. And so it is the same for every being.
I find the way to go on if I can keep some connection with my true self. And all my various spirit guides, and my twin soul, are always here to to remind me that I am not alone. I will continue to strive for happiness, because, unlike so many others I know, I refuse to settle for less. My dreams are too special, too sacred, and I respect myself too much for that.
I cannot resign my dreams over to the rest of the world just because things are hard. Fear of change is not a valid reason to justify something unnecessary or undesirable. A state of being does not make something right, and those who fear and reject change simply do not have dreams.
The drive to change things, to make them better than they currently are; this is the very essence of dreams.
Once my dream was vast and limitless, and so I strive for this again. Only then can my options be limitless. If my desires are strong enough, they will be reflected by my gains.
...I guess the full moon has made for the start of a crazy week, and unsettled emotions. In fact I had food poisoning on Sunday. And I still feel dizzy and exhausted right now. Remind me not to overdose on antibiotics, caffeine and rancid spaghetti sauce.
But, my best friend was spending time here, for almost a week, which was nice. I only wish I was better able to do more fun and creative things all the time... But I suppose Enel has been having fun trying to plan her very own wedding lately. Her happiness is what's essential to me, so whatever she and her fiance end up doing is entirely up to them.
Well, all this focus on wedding plans made me think about my own wedding again. However, mine is likely in the far future (or at least further), since it is meant to be a celebration of our freedom... for whenever my twin flame and I actually have a place to call home. After all, my twin flame and I are already living together and spiritually married. A legal marriage doesn't mean anything to us if we can't have the wedding that we need. Doing our wedding the right way also means that our life situation will have improved by then. So that's what matters.
I can't yet fathom any sort of estimate as to what year we will be able to have our own wedding. However, one thing that we decided, which I don't want to forget, is that September 17th would probably be the best date. There are multiple reasons for this. First of all, I had a dream tell me that my wedding was in September. Secondly, I had to consider the fact that, with global warming screwing up the climate in recent years, most other months would be either hot or freezing. I love rain, and Autumn has always been my favorite season as well. And finally, September has been uneventful in my experience, meaning there are no significant holidays or birthdays within that month that would interfere with plans.
About choosing the 17th... 17 has often been a recurring number for me in recent years, sort of a lucky number if you will. I even have 17 magic elements in my story world, for example. And, as it has never occurred in a manner which was unpleasant, how can I go wrong?
We have also decided that, rather than wedding rings, it would be best to have tattoos. While likely much less expensive than rings, tattoos will be a far more satisfying investment for us, one which we can design ourselves, and something that we never have to worry about losing. Also consider: We have issues with jewelry, I'm not fond of wedding rings, and I personally dislike diamonds as well.
The wedding cake situation will also be an interesting venture. Why?
Because we don't like cake.
The bottom line, however, is that our wedding exists for the purpose of symbolizing our unity as twin flames and lovers, and our life together. It must be rich with meaning for us; not a ceremony full of ancient and hollow symbolism simply for the sake of following out-dated traditions... especially christian ones. We are definitely not christians... and, since we do not belong to any religion, we must design the wedding to meet our own unique needs.
I don't have much else to add to this entry, so... Until next time.
Our souls never have been, or ever will be, apart... and I haven't given up on our dreams... my twin flame love.
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Tuesday, March 30, 2010 at 05:19 pm. Please comment.
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Sunday, May 31, 2009
One time I was drunk and... nevermind.
I want to change and fix up my blog some more, but I still don't have the patience yet. I'm tired today, and yes I basically just woke up, since, usually, "days" start for me in the evenings and I go to bed in the mornings. So I guess I missed a day of blogging, but that's okay. And nothing extremely interesting was going on anyhow.
I do want to be able to write everything here, anything that I feel or that just pops into my head, without feeling afraid to do so. To be honest and not care what anyone thinks. Because I deserve that much. I deserve to be free.
Besides I don't think anyone is going to be looking at this site other than the two people that I know. So I just want this to be for me. And to share with my twin flame. Like it was supposed to be.
So I had messed up dreams, though that's not unusual. What's slightly unusual is that my body being in heat made it seem exceptionally nonsensical like some kind of porno where everyone starts having sex for no reason... Especially weird when the same gender is trying to make out with me. But okay.
These are the kind of hormones I deal with all the time, but by all means, I'd much rather be horny all the time, than be miserable all the time. Certain people would disagree on that, but they aren't me, so that doesn't really matter, does it.
I don't want anything to kill my natural emotional processes, to prevent me from ever feeling any sensual pleasures, and simply making me miserable all the time... and that's why I am never going to be taking birth control pills again.
On the other hand, no longer taking birth control pills hasn't made everything perfect for me, either, since I still need more time to recover, and my body still has tons of health problems... plenty of which remain a mystery. I constantly have pains, which I obviously need to get checked for, among other things, but have no way to do so yet. I have had highly irregular, extremely painful and prolonged menstrual cycles too, ever since my first one. Unfortunately, where I live, everyone constantly treats a menstrual cycle like habit or something that is the woman's fault, and makes her no longer qualify as a person.... not that the majority here ever qualified women as people to begin with, but still. A slight cold, or an obstinate drug addict, or... well, anything at all, would get more positive attention than what I go through, for more than a third of my life. In fact I have menstrual-like pains whenever I'm not on my menstrual cycle as well, so, yes I do indeed believe that it qualifies as a 'major health problem' which has been ruining my life.
My rants about this subject are highly overdue. And I'm sure there will be a time to continue venting about it someday soon, but I guess I'll switch topics now.
I just had dinner/breakfast... and it's storming outside. I love thunderstorms, though I don't quite I love them as much as I used to... but that's only due to the fact that I started having horrible nightmares about lightning about two years ago. Luckily I don't have dreams like that anymore, but I had still been petrified enough to become wary of thunderstorms. This should be understandable since the recurring dreams almost always included me getting killed, and during one particularly bad dream I awoke to a real storm outside.
I still have some annoying thunder in my dreams every once in a while though, since I live close to an air force base, and the very loud sounds of the jets will translate into my dreams that way.
..I just want to get over this issue now and go back to the way I was. I had always loved thunderstorms. And I mean always. Even as a small child, if there was an apocolyptic thunderstorm going on, I would just be having great fun... even while my mom was scared to death. Naturally I'd take that enjoyment over being scared by thunder just because of some nightmares I'd had. And besides... I'm not careless... I get the feeling that all those dreams represented something metaphorical or emotional rather than a literal premonition. What exactly the message is, though, I'm not so sure.
Dreams have always fascinated me as well.
Anyways... yeah... so what did I do yesterday... It wasn't particularly exciting or amazing or anything, but neither is much of my life..... but at least yesterday was pretty fun. Got to spend time with my lover, which is great of course..... Talking about elements, shadow magic, the shadow realms, and silly things.... and according to Dethy the element of Majii is apparently "the power of living life stuff".....Lol... um... Watched a couple movies.... and for some strange reason felt drunken afterward. I mean I don't suppose I would start thinking aloud in a normal state of mind, my brain doesn't make enough sense to just blurb anything, lol. I even startled and confused myself, but at least it was pretty damn funny.
Dethy, I love you.
I just want to cuddle and feel you more, to just be romantic, to show you how much I love and appreciate you... and to be able to feel how much you love me too... but the time I spend with you is always special. You're the main reason I've been able to grow into such a loving person, to see the good in myself, and everyone. You motivate and inspire me to be the best I can be, and to find my happiness. You bring out the best in me... I wouldn't want to be alive without you because you're everything to me.
That's why I don't even want to conclude a blog entry with anything else.
I just want to be able to share even more with you... to have our lives... to be honest... and be happy... with love... the way we deserve... and that everyone deserves.
Thank you for everything you give me.
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 08:05 pm. Please comment.
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Saturday, May 30, 2009
Blog is improving... I hope.
I've been wanting to change my blog for some time.... among other things.... been fixing it up a bit... and hopefully will continue to do so, as well as writing in it a lot more. I've also figured I'm better off just getting rid of my deviantart page, or at least the art there... despite some attention I had gotten for Kirby madness..... I just really don't feel like going into depth in any explanations right now. My body and mind are not cooperating. Other than that fact I'm not too sure how I am feeling..... Inadequate may be right, or at least the best word I have available.
I feel a bit medicated as well, but that's because heavy pain killer is the only way for me to get through times like now. So... being medicated, tired and dizzy is the alternative to being in unbelievable pain and incapacitated.
So what is there to say... I just wanted to write in journal more often. I would say everyday, but knowing how I've been about keeping journals, maybe that's unrealistic. Doesn't mean I can't set the goal, though.
This year is... I don't know... crazy?
Pardon me, but "fucked up" seems about right... So I've just been trying to get through each day. This month in particular has been interesting to say the least. At least I've gotten time with my best friend this year, and continue to learn and grow in my relationship with my twinflame.
Emotionally I've had a really hard time this month, but hopefully all those issues are being left behind... I still can't be too sure at the moment if I'm entirely okay.... but.... I should at least be feeling a little better about things in a few days......... otherwise... I don't know.... I've passed time getting videogame music remixes (at least I've found really fun things this month), playing old games, and DOS games... especially today. I played Oregon trail a while. Princess Maker 2 is a funny game too. Old stuff can be fun to dig through.
Um. I don't feel like I have anything very great to say today.... or much to say, for that matter.... I don't have the intense focus or patience I otherwise should..... So...I guess that's it....since I'm too zoned..
..Well...... My lover, since you're the one reading this, I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You've always been special to me and inflamed my passions, there's no way anything else could complete me, my life, or mean more to me. I want to be more honest, about everything, and just work on improving our relationship all the time. I want everything to be for our highest good.... to just grow with infinite love.... I still don't feel like I'm open enough, or even can be sometimes... but I'm striving to be all I can, for you...... for us. I need us to be more trusting, open, honest and loving... You're my everything, I love who you are, and I love you forever... no matter what. So we have to love ourselves too... for the sake of helping each other grow, with love.
Never doubt the power of our love and never give up.
::.Nuzzle.::
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Saturday, May 30, 2009 at 06:06 am. Please comment.
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Sunday, April 05, 2009
Yes, it's been a long time.
I am going to post my response to an email from 2005, although even the email response was four years late. I simply needed something to help me write, and to have something to show my best friend, whether she has the time soon or not. While writing journal entries has otherwise proven too difficult of a task, surveys are great for me because they provide me with specific questions, where I can be as flexible as I want with my answers. I can be as detailed, brief, serious, or silly as I want to be. But no matter how I do this, hopefully somebody can learn something about me.
Lately, there has been much chaos in my life, mostly concerning emotions, and I obviously haven't been able to write about this. It is too difficult to take the time to try and explain an endless bombardment of emotions or events, especially the events that have occurred in the past five months or so. This year has already been very long for me, although the last month was also extremely boring and uninspiring. Maybe sometime later I will summarize some things that have happened since I last wrote, or at least make another long survey of my own so that this blog is not neglected. Just don't expect too much from me, as I simply want to do things that let me feel free from stress, and hopefully much happier than I have been. If writing in a journal helps me with this, and if I have time and feel able, then I will be updating here again soon.
Anyway, here is the email response to my best friend Enel, since she happened to send me this survey December of 2005. They are my answers to the survey, so that I have something interesting to throw into this blog today.
1. What is your Full Name?
It depends on which name you are asking for. The name my parents gave me is evil to me, so I don't want to have to think about it anymore. My spirit name, on the other hand, which is the name I am called by those who really care and respect me, is Taelle Oreseth.
2. What color jeans are you wearing right now?
I'm not wearing pants.
...
LOL
Don't worry, I've got yellow underwear.
3. What are you listening to right now:
A song from Mario64, because Dethy is playing videogame music in winamp. I'm also hearing Dethy eat. e_e
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number:
00. Isn't that unique?
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Uhh... A vanilla wafer? Actually, it tastes more like lemon flavor than vanilla to me. I haven't had a meal today, and I don't know if I'll feel like having one.
7. How is the weather right now:
I don't really know, because there is a huge tree always blocking our window. And I don't usually care to pay attention to the weather lately, unless it happens to be significantly affecting the temperature in here.
What I do know, is that this survey is missing question number 6.
8. Last person you talked to on the phone?
I guess my mom. And not for long, because she's always more interested in someone else calling her, something on the internet, something on TV, her dog barking, or just anything that doesn't have to do with me.
9. First thing you notice about the opposite sex:
...That they are male. What am I supposed to say?
10. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Link: How about a kiss?
Ganon: NOOOOoOOOoOOOoOOOoOOOoOOO
Lol. I'm just being silly. Of course, I love her. In fact she's higher priority to me than my biological family, since she is more family to me than they are. I love my family but they don't respect me or treat me like family should. Anyone who actually knows me already knows this.
11. How are you today:
I don't know, I have a mix of emotions because I have been stressed lately. I am very tired, but also looking forward to spending real time with my best friend when her schooling is over, and helping her to have more freedom.
12. Favorite Drink?
I don't know if I have a favorite drink. I really do love Monster Energy M80 (the yellow one with 80% juice), but I can't have it very often, mainly because it's too expensive. Besides, I don't want to become dependent on any kind of substance, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, or any other chemicals. Caffeine is not healthy either, even though the M80 Monster drink is a lot healthier than other Energy drinks are.
13. Favorite Alcoholic drink:
I never get to drink, so wouldn't know. But, the most delicious tasting alcoholic drinks I ever had were home-made by my sister Jenn. That's why I think she could make a kick-ass bartender. (I have fun memories from us inventing the "red lemons" drink".)
14. Favorite Sports:
Sex?
Lmao. That's not a sport... Is it?
I just don't like sports.
15. What's your hair Color:
Right now? Or the one I was born with? Or is it something else? Well, right now, I'm not sure. It's an odd brown color these days.
16. Eye Color:
Dark brown from far away. But if you look close enough, they actually really look green and yellow.
17. Do you wear contacts?
Nope. I have before, but only for fun, because my vision is supposedly "perfect". During my years in High School, on Halloween, I would wear only a single Honey-Brown colored contact, which my sister Lisa lent me. That way, I had one light brown eye, and one dark brown eye. Then people would trip out over my bi-colored eyes, wondering if they had always been that way. Lol.
18. Siblings:
I have three older sisters, two of which are fraternal twins. Right now Lisa is 30, and I think that Jenn and Victoria are 33. I happen to be 22, so yeah, there's a gap there.
Oh no, we're getting old!
19. Favorite Month?
I don't supposed I've ever had a favorite month, aside from December being the best month for me when I was a kid. Of course that was solely because of how awesome Christmas break used to be, being able to see my dad and my sisters, and celebrating two Christmases due to my parents being separated. Anyway, these days, I have no idea what my favorite month is, because Christmas has pretty much died in my life, and I don't know how to revive it.
January through April would be my favorite part of the year if I were actually able to celebrate birthdays...
20. Favorite Food?
I don't have a favorite food either, mainly because the only foods that are available for me to eat, are all things that make me sick or give my body a lot of trouble in some way. I do miss having great food (the non-spicy versions) such as Cornbread, Mashed Potatoes, Italian Cheese Bread, and the Apple Burritos that don't exist anymore.
21. Last Movie you watched:
That's a tough one, since it's been a long while. I think Wayne's World?
22. Favorite Day of the Year:
Favorite Day? Damn, I don't know. Any day where I get to spend plenty of time with my best friend, and lover, doing something fun, like role-playing... then if I could end the day with great sex, good sleep and creative lucid dreams, that'd make it perfect... e-e Then again, that's more a description of a perfect day I really wish I could have, rather than a Favorite Day of the Year. So I don't have a Favorite Day of the Year, because every day is different, though most of my days seem so boring or depressing.
(Yeah, I am a "nymphomaniac" and love sex, but it's not my life. I just keep mentioning it because I don't get to express my sexuality like I need to, which tends to make me sad as well as emotionally unstable.)
23. Are you too shy to ask someone out:
It depends on what you mean by "asking someone out". I have never gone dating and I never will, at least in the stereotypical sense of the word "dating", which I think is stupid. On the other hand, if you meant that as in simply asking to go somewhere with someone, then I would go ahead and do it, because my "shyness" is not going to stop me from doing something that I really want... At least not anymore. I'm a woman, not a girl.
24. Which one Summer or Winter:
I like Summer nights, as long as they aren't hot, and especially if they are both warm and rainy. Otherwise, extreme temperatures in general simply bother me too much.
25. Hugs or Kisses?
Depends on who is doing it, and why.
26. Chocolate or Vanilla:
I would have to say both at the same time. I don't like Chocolate much, especially by itself, which is something I won't eat unless my low blood-sugar is screaming at me. The rest of my crazy woman family on the other hand, loves chocolate. I would rather just have Vanilla ice cream with Mint flavor, and Cookie Dough, because I think that is the greatest.
27. Do you want your friends to write back:
I'm only sending this to Enel and Dethy. Yes, it would be great to hear any response, especially from Enel, though I don't have expectations either way.
Everyone else I know is too busy and/or doesn't care enough to keep in touch with me.
28. Who is most likely to respond to e-mails:
Well, like I said, I'm only sending this to Enel and Dethy. If you mean to emails in general, then nobody will respond to my emails anyway, because those emails don't exist. I don't write to anybody, because I have nobody to write to, or else wouldn't want to, unless it's Enel. And I could just talk to Dethy on a messenger or in person. So pleh.
29: Who is least likely to respond to e-mails:
Anyone who isn't Enelevrinn Michelle Romisius.
30. Living Arrangements:
My living arrangements have been the same for two years or so, in this small apartment with my lover, in a city that I have come to hate, which is in a state that I really only like because of the climate, and because Enel lives here. Hopefully, though, Enel will be living with me soon, which gives me the motivation to live and to do things again. That's because this is something I have wanted for many years. Enel gives me energy, and that's something that no one else can do (except for Monster Energy, which isn't a person).
31. What books are you reading:
Right this second I am reading this survey. I haven't exactly kept up on reading ever since Dethy moved in with me. This is for several reasons, although I have been wanting to read Animorphs books again. I guess I have (half-assedly) started to read Animorphs perhaps twice this year, but didn't even get through half a book. Unfortunately that's it.
32. What's on your mouse pad:
This cheap one I have been using is red and says "Office DEPOT" in white text.
The last time Enel was here, she gave me a new one with a wolf on it. Yay!
33. Favorite Board Game:
Board game? I dunno. One that doesn't exist? Otherwise I like my version of Sorry, because it's more interesting and like a strategy game which uses dice as well as cards. But I like video-games and computer games better.
34. What did you do last night:
It's a little hard to remember everything since I've been so tired lately. Yesterday I was just involved in fixing things up and trying to make plans for new living arrangements. Basically what I did was clean and rearrange the house, mostly the Master Bedroom. Then at maybe one in the morning I went to bed.
35. Favorite Smells:
Um? It's been so long since I smelled something very good, I don't remember what smells I like. o-o; Lately I really only ever get to experience smells that are not nice, such as spicy foods, overwhelming chemical smells and stuffy air. Oh well... I guess when the weather gets warmer, I'll get to smell fresh air again.
37. What inspires you?
Being with my best friend, having dreams to live in, and good memories. Reading, day-dreaming, and role-playing can also be inspiring. My characters and other story stuff are the closest thing I have to feeling like I'm at home in this life, so of course that's important and inspiring to me.
By the way, what happened to number 36 and 38?
39. Favorite Flower:
I don't know many Earthly flowers at all, or at least their names. I just know that they're fun to look at and smell. And since I'm weird, having flowers around would just make me want to touch and play with them, which would probably end up killing them.
My favorite flower would be one that doesn't exist in this dimension. It's one that is very huge, very red, very pretty, and very delicious to eat. NOM NOM.
40. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
If I happen to remember my dream, I'll think about that for a while. After that, my brain usually snaps right back to whatever I was thinking about before I went to bed, so that I can continue with my life. And that is how my life goes on... The end?
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Sunday, April 05, 2009 at 07:21 pm. Please comment.
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Friday, November 28, 2008
Well at least I started with honest title today.
But even the simplest statement can be interpreted in so many ways, and therefore misinterpreted.
This is not something I am saying because I am choosing to mope about, or even to say "poor me", nor am I keeping myself from being happy or choosing to be unhappy, since I love myself enough to know and feel that I deserve happiness. This is not something I want pity or sympathy for. It is not something that anyone should be made to feel guilty or otherwise bad about, either. It is a simple statement of truth about how my feelings are, and such feelings are not my choice. My only choice in it is what I do with the feelings, the actions that I take in dealing with them, and the way that I treat others, including myself. My feelings are something that I need understanding for, rather than usual judgments from family and others... especially inappropriate assumptions about who I am or what is going on in my life. If no one else, though, I simply need this understanding from my twin flame, so that I don't have to feel completely alone in the world.
Saying something honestly and objectively is not something that should generate any kind of judgmental reaction from people, nor should it cause a reaction that reflects any aspects of unlove whatsoever. Unfortunately, many people tend to react in such a way to any genuine emotions, especially the negative ones. Of course this is often because they can't even understand or deal with their own emotions in the first place. But the simplest fact, is that I need love, empathy and understanding, just like anyone needs and deserves. People should live in love and spread love, not pain. Love is the solution and healer of things. And, I think another important point I wanted humans to realize, is that, feeling pain and spreading pain are two different things, even though humans may often tend to do both at the same time simply because they don't know how else to handle it.
With that said, I still don't know how exactly I am supposed to explain the "why". Why am I not happy? Of course there are reasons. And there are reasons that are too complicated convey. But reasons for feelings shouldn't always have to be explained... It just is. Emotions are the way they are, and I am a sensitive soul. And feelings just need to be shown love as well, no matter what they are.
But just because I have learned to love myself, and that my twin flame is here living with me, it doesn't mean that everything is okay, or that the hardest is over. And things are hard.
Currently I am also suffering from an unpleasant infection that I assume to be the same virus I had much earlier this year, or else something similar... Either way it's been going on for a couple weeks or so... making it very painful to talk, smile or even move my mouth, so of course it's been difficult to eat too. And that's pretty sad, especially considering that I already have a ton of problems with eating at it is.
Speaking of eating, yeah, yesterday was Thanksgiving, although I can't say I had anything to eat that I wanted, or much of anything to eat in the first place. But the important thing is that I got some nice time with my best friend. I would write about what happened yesterday, but now I don't really feel like it anyway.... I do not feel like writing is working at the moment either. Yesterday is then and today is now. And right now I just want to be healthier, and to be able to do things without feeling physically or emotionally miserable. And feeling fairly miserable lately, I don't feel like I can write, or do much of anything. Until I get over this virus, or whatever it is, I don't think I'm going to be feeling particularly great either. Everything is too painful, physically and emotionally.
Maybe someday I will be able to write about what is really going on. And what would make me happy...
I need my dream to live in.
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Friday, November 28, 2008 at 08:08 pm. Please comment.
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
It definitely looks like the worst is NOT over, nor can I have any way of knowing when it will be. And until then I am left waiting, feeling alone and hopeless. Note that most things I say in this entry are probably just emotion and not logical, and may not necessarily be long-term, because I am being utterly overwhelmed by emotions right now. But I would never be able to turn off my sensitivities no matter how much I want to. So right now, feeling IS fact for me. There is no getting around this.
I still don't write in my blog as I keep saying I will or should, because I don't know how to explain anything I am feeling or going through. I especially don't know how I'm supposed to do that when it's something that is utterly miserable. And even if I could explain it with words, I don't feel that anyone could possibly begin to understand it, or even want to hear it either. I'm only here now because I feel so depressed and alone, that I can't just let it build up without some kind of venting, other than the crying I have to do as usual. Also if I can't feel loved or get real help somehow then it can only get worse. And then it just feels like anything good that I've ever felt or done, has been ruined.
It seems like I'm left to mourn the past forever, even though there's not a lot there that's worth looking at. Unfortunately it still looks a lot happier to me than the way I've been feeling these past two years. I can't go back, but I can't have my dreams of a better future anymore either, because this is life and reality has smashed down my dreams. But that doesn't mean I accept it, and that is why I seem to be stuck. I can't have the things I want, but I can't accept the horrible misery of reality either. The things I want most of all especailly, just can't happen, at least not in the physical world. In my life particularly happiness just seems like an unnattainable thing, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself be happy, and I can't pretend that I am.
I didn't come to this life for my own enjoyment either. But with that knowledge I just don't feel like I have the strength to live or see how I'm supposed to accomplish what I set out to do. I'm an old soul and could be in spiritual retirement right now, I'm too worn out for this, yet here I am, so I've only been doing my best, while waiting for my life to improve, because it's all I can do. I can't do anything about it, I've only been waiting for my situation to somehow get better even though it only seems to go backwards sometimes. And I can only hope to god that my dreams aren't just completely out of reach. I have to have some tiny amount of hope to cling to at least, but at times like now it feels impossible. Anything that ever made me feel any happiness is just in the past and only that. All I'm left with now is pain or numbness. That is why I am mourning the past forever.
Once my heart found joy in a dream of romance. That dream was broken by harsh reality and changes suddenly forcing things ahead. But I cannot be truly happy without that dream to live in. My heart breaks and I do not know what will happen.
Romance is not one-sided, so I cannot have it if my twin flame is not ready to have it either or does not understand what I need.
This is too much for me. I can't even take care of myself with all of my overwhelming sensitivities, but I have to... and alone.... but there's no way I can handle the energies of being around someone else, or dealing with feeling what they feel, even if it's something trivial. If I had to be born an empath, why couldn't my lover be one? Or at least could I just please be a Carpathian? At least that way I wouldn't be alone...
Love is there but happiness is nowhere.
..If we weren't ready to be in a twin flame relationship then we wouldn't have met.... But how much longer do I have to wait like this? I can't just wait as it feels like everything is getting worse... I feel miserable and alone, and I have no power over my situation..... It makes me want to rip my own heart out, since I already feel like I'm being sacraficed. I can't feel loved this way either.... I only feel like a burden and that anything I say or do will just make everyone else miserable too. So I have to be alone in suffering.
I am only trying to be honest. I do not know what else I can say or what I could possibly ask of anyone, or how to make anyone understand my feelings, or even any aspect of me. I only wish I weren't alive right now because I hurt too much. I feel utterly alone, more alone than anyone knows.
All I can do is wait.
~My heart cries for Ravendeth~
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Sunday, November 16, 2008 at 07:33 pm. Please comment.
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Sunday, October 19, 2008
I don't have much to say today. I really mean it this time.
I have weird dreams but that's nothing new.
It seems that the weather absolutely can't make up its mind. It doesn't know whether it wants it to be summertime or wintertime.
I am missing some awesome kitties right now. Kitties like Butler and Squeaky. I don't know whether Butler's ever coming back to this life and I don't know whether I'll ever be able to take care of Squeaky again either. But I really love them.
I'm going to be receiving Suplemental Security Income really soon, which despite being hardly anything, will still be much more than we've had. It'll be more stable and consistent at least. What I really want though, is a place that feels like home.
I'm exhausted. But I got myself to tidy up the place at least. I don't know what now. I just want to relax. I want to do something creative every once in a while, and to play ragnarok with my lover when he's up to it. Ragnarok is awesome because it's a great game that you can play with others. I don't have much that I can do with friends, or many friends to do stuff with. I just hope that someday I can get more of us playing Ragnarok together to have some fun.
I also hope that I can have the holidays to celebrate again. The thing that makes a holiday good, is if you can celebrate it with the people who love you and can show that they do. Otherwise it doesn't even feel like a holiday at all. And it's not about gifts. Besides, the best gift you can give someone, is yourself. To give them the time to show them you really care.
Everyone needs and deserves love. Love is the one thing that makes life worth living. I'm alive because I wanted to help people remember that. And to remember what love really means. My kitty baby Flickerwind is a great example of love... She's cuddling with me right now, as she usually always is. We both love each other no matter what. Of course myself and my lover are the very same way. Real love is always unconditional. As it should be.
Anyways, that's all I have to say right now. I'm going to spend time with my lover.
Signed, Taelle Oreseth Posted in freedom and honesty. Sunday, October 19, 2008 at 08:13 am. Please comment.
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